What Lies Beyond

Nulla: After the End

"Let's go find our friends." I took Julian's hand as we march through the door in Hanged Raven.

With him by my side, even the endless odyssey seems less intolerable.

...... An uncertain amount of time later......

It's be a while after that. We travelled through realms after realms, not knowing how long it's been, or how far we've gone.

He doesn't talk as much like I used to remember. Most of the time he just trails behind us silently, indulges in his misery. I tried to cheer him up many times, lit the light back in his eyes, but all I ever get is a bitter smile, or his self-loathing words.

When I'm finally fed up with it, I plead him to let me break the bind, if only that'll bring a little bit of him back. It pains me to see him like this, but he would always refuse for the same reason.

I get impatient, he apologize, I got flared up more, but there's nothing I can do.

"What good am I without the power to protect you?" He said it without looking at me, then suddenly meets my eyes with a sarcastic smirk, "or have you finally thought it through, that you don't want to be with a demon anymore?" He would say it at moments like this.

He's trying, but he's just not himself anymore.

"You know that's not true. I love you no matter what you look like..." I cup his face in my palm, the hug him into my arms.

"I'm sorry..." Julian's voice soften as he apologize. He lifts his arms to hold me, but hands hovering a couple inches away from my body, like he's unsure if he can still touch me.

I lean in and gave Julian an reassuring kiss. He finally holds me tight in his arms, like dreading I'll disappear. It hurts a bit, but fills me with the bittersweet love.

He changed, he's really changed. I'm not mad at him. The Devil torn him apart, and turned him into this broken man.

I can feel the hope slowly draining from me upon realizing that; the Julian I know might never be back again.

"The Julian you loved is dead." He said when he tried to push me away back in the Hanged Raven.

Perhaps I've known it for a while, but refuse to face the truth. What other hope would I have left if I accepted it?

There's no use in pushing him. All questions asked, and all sentences said.

Finally, I stopped asking.

Scout guides us tirelessly regardless of the dangers we may encounter. There's nothing to do except for keep going.

I blindly clings on the hope that everything will be better once we find everyone else, refuse to think about what may have become of them.

...

We are walking down a flooded street. Scout ahead, Julian behinds me, and Malak circles above us.

The sky is green like dead lake, and the wind smells moldy. It's hard to tell whether it's day or night due to the heavy clouds that covers the sky. It is difficult to move forward here, cuz most of the areas are flooded by knee height water. There are fishes in the water, with tiny legs like lizard bearing sharp claws.

"Julian, do you think it's edible?" I ask as I stare and observe the weird fish creature as we walk on the bank. The need for eating was long gone since the worlds merged, but I try to keep the habit whenever I can. It is to remind myself what it's like living.

Julian looks down at the fish, mindlessly replies "I don't think so, but I can try first if you want it". After traveling for a while, I soon realized the strength Julian's demon body possess. Alcohol or any toxin substances doesn't last long in him, but that doesn't mean he won't get affected.

"Never mind" I am tired of reasoning with him.  "Don't get yourself into trouble. I'll let you know when I need help!" As I used to urge him, but it's just useless! My temper rouse at the thought of it, and soon get overpowered by depression.

"You don't need to be help at all." I grumble, "I don't want to see you trying to help anymore." Close behind me, I hear him comes to a sudden halt. I've said  the unspeakable.

"It's done." I think to myself. "I've hurt him."

I've been treating Julian so cautiously ever since the reunion, but now even that is ruined.

"Julian, I'm s..." I slowly turn to face him, but did not see the wounded expression I was expecting. Instead, he looks confused.

"I mean, it hurts me too when you are hurt... I'm sorry." I carefully observe his reaction. He merely looks puzzled.

"Why are you doing this?" After a moment, I ask.

"I... I can no longer make you smile. Make you feel happy." We stood there a while before he finally starts mumbling. His eyes drifts away as he speaks, then rests the gaze at his claws. "If there's at least something I can do..." then he quiets down.

Now I'm startled. Is that what this is about? Does he think I'll no longer love him if he can't provide me with something else?

I take 2 steps toward Julian, smiling at him. "I'm here because I love you, not because you are useful." I put a finger under his chin, steering him to face me. "Is that so hard to believe?"

Julian did not reply, eyes darting away from mine. I sigh, wrapping my arms around his neck, and land a kiss on his lightly feathered cheek. "I love you" I lean my head against his as he holds me on my waist. I put my lips on Julian's, giving him a deep, loving kiss. My tongue brush through his way too many teeth, a little too pointy to be human's, but I've grown too familiar with them now. He holds me closer as we kiss, until there's no room left in between.

"I love you too" his face buried in my shoulder, inhales deeply like he craves me. His feathery hair tickles my neck with the slightest movement. We just stay still like this for a while, until what's around us seems to fade away.