Lana

I Got Sent Away

They were the only friends I ever had. We got into trouble, and when stuff got bad. I got sent away, I was waving on the train platform Crying 'cause I know I'm never coming back              - 

(This is What Makes Us Girls)

Lana Del Rey

Monday August 23, 2000

I hear the alarm clock go off, but I don't stop it. I ignore it. I'm not going through this preppy  Kent boarding school bullshit. My mother can't force me to live 80 miles away from home. I won't miss home; but I will miss the city, mostly Brooklyn.

Why am I being forced to leave you might ask? Unfortunately, I failed two suicide attempts, having to be hospitalized both times. After the second attempt my parents could no longer trust me.

My father thought sending me off to Connecticut would be a wonderful solution to my depression and alcohol addiction. I didn't think he could be anymore wrong.

Thank god he never found out about the heroine ! I'd only tried heroine twice, but I wouldn't pass up the offer to do it again. But father doesn't know anything about me. He's always been too busy buying and selling website domains.

I look over to my right, seeing that all my bags have been packed for me. That's when it really begins to sink in that there is no way to get out of this. 

I silently begin to cry, but quickly fix it. If mother saw me like this, she was sure to ask questions. That was the last thing I wanted.

" Elizabeth, I want you down here in five minutes!" My mother yelled impatiently.

I stop the alarm and get dressed. When I see my reflection I am disappointed. I didn't bother to do my hair or makeup today. I wasn't going to bother myself with caring about the opinions of my future peers.

I drag my two suitcases down the stairs. I took every agonizing step very slowly, regretting that I hadn't taken enough ibuprofen to end it. Only enough to nearly make my kidneys fail.

My two best friends were waiting there with my mother. The prettiest in the crowd that you had ever seen. My friends were gorgeous. Samara had dark skin, black curly hair, and her eyes gleamed dream.   Paige had green eyes and ribbons in her blonde hair. 

Samara was 20 and Paige was 21. They were both high school dropouts with several piercings an tattoos. For this my mother never approved of them. She didn't approve of most things; and was heavily judgmental, especially towards girls. That why I hated my mother she was shallow and couldn't look past people appearances. 

  I was distracted from my thoughts when Paige and Samara quickly came up and gave me a hug.  

" We're going to miss you so much Lizzy." Samara said.

" Come on girls we can do this in the car, we have to get on the road." My mother said politely. She's so fake! She may have been kind to their faces, but we all knew she disapproved. She thought they were bad influences and blamed them for my "outrageous behavior."

Paige helped me with one of my suitcases while my mother held the door open for us. We put my luggage in the trunk and all smushed together in the backseat.

I saw the pack a cigarettes in Paige's pocket I really wanted one, I bit my lip with want. In that moment I felt deprived and I knew there was only more deprivation to come.

The drive was silent. Maybe if my mother wasn't there we could've talked about whatever we wanted, but talking was replaced with hugs on both side of me from Paige and Samara. It was comforting. 

Finally, we arrived at the train platform. I wasn't ready for this. I felt very shaken and overwhelmed. But I refused to cry in front of my friends. I didn't want them to feel bad for me.     When I got out of the car, I gave them a weak smile. I wasn't a very good actor, but my mother pretended to believe it was genuine. Samara and Paige could tell something wasn't right though.

We shared our last embraces in that moment. They cried and wished me good luck. I hated to see my friends upset, but I felt cared for when I knew that they would miss me.  I turned my back to them and walked away with my train ticket and luggage. I hated myself in that moment. I already hated my new life, and I desperately wished I didn't exist.

I sat down on the train and watched my friends waving goodbye to me. They were the only friends I ever had. We got into trouble, and when stuff got bad, I got sent away. I was waving on the train platform, crying because I know I'm never coming back.

I tried to think about all the good memories I had of the city, but it only made me cry harder. I remembered how we used to party up all night. We would sneak out and just try to look for a taste of real life.

We would drink in the small town firelight. I would always ask for a Pabst Blue Ribbon on ice. I remembered when it was Paige's Sweet sixteen, and we were bar hopping. We were walking down the streets when these grown men whistled at us. It was so gross and disturbing. That was one thing I won't miss.

I remembered when I was a freshman and day when we stole a police car with those senior guys. I thought of all the times we would break into the hotel to swim. One time the cops were called and we ran from the cops down the streets of Manhattan in our bikinis screaming, "Get us while we're hot, get us while we're hot!"

I thought about when Samara had just become my best friend and she was super wasted. She had her high heels in her hands, and she swayed with the wind. While she started cry, mascara ran down her little Bambi eyes, and she told me why she hated all the guys she'd been with. 

 And that's where the beginning of the end begun. Everybody knew that we had too much fun. We were skipping school and drinking on the job with our boss.

My friends and I were always just trying to find new ways to have fun, but looking for love and being broken hearted always had gotten in the way for Samara and Paige.

I had never fallen in love, and I almost didn't want to. It didn't look like it was worth the heart ache. I've hooked up with boys a few times here and there, but I've only met one person that I had a special connection with.

It was the musician I had met in Brooklyn. His name was James Campbell. I met him in the beginning of the summer and never saw him again. We only shared one kiss. It was the most magical kiss in my life. I thought we had really connected, and sometimes I still think about him.

He's part of the reason I started writing my own music.  I got out my notepad and began to write about all the memorable moments from this chapter of my life. The last chapter where I would ever be happy.

Authors Note: Elizabeth Grant did go to Kent Boarding school in real life for alcohol dependency. The song this is what makes us girls is one of the references to this event. For more information go to https://lanadelrey.fandom.com/wiki/This_Is_What_Makes_Us_Girls_(song)