Anxiety Attack: A Stream of Consciousness

the insanity

Seat up. Seatbelt on. Car on. Lights on. Reverse. Drive. Hands gripping the wheel in terror of being stuck. Drive. Holding your breath. Exhale. They didn't block it. Relief. It's open. Drive. Keep going. Where? The other side? No. People are running to you. Lights on their heads. What if you know them. Please don't know them. You don't know them. They just keep running. Too many people on this side. Why are there so many cars? Way too many cars. No no no. Go away. People can see you. What are they thinking? They probably think you're crazy. Turn around. Go. Go where? Drive. Somewhere. People can see your face when you drive. You need to park. Park somewhere. But drive first, just go. You don't know where. Just keep going. Grip your wheel tighter. Look around. Lights. More lights. Everywhere. You don't know where you're going. She hates you. She fucking hates you. Air is coming in and out of your mouth quicker and quicker. Now you're talking to yourself. Mumbling. Stuttering over your words. Confusing yourself. You've worked so fucking hard for almost 5 years and you're really about to give up everything? For what? To start all fucking over? Are you insane?

"I feel pretty fucking insane. Shit. I need to merge the fucking freeway. Shit. Don't crash." You don't even like swearing but you can't seem to control what's coming out of your mouth. It's hard to form words with your lips and it takes so much effort. So much effort. More effort than it's ever taken before. But words keep coming and you begin to have a conversation with yourself. Everything that comes in your mind stutters out of your mouth. Hands squeezing the wheel. Gripping it tighter and tighter until it can't breathe. And suddenly you can't breathe. Now you're light headed. Dizzy. Focus on your breathing. Focus on the road. Start counting.