Anxiety Attack: A Stream of Consciousness

the voices

"One two thr- I've worked so fucking hard. So fucking hard to start all over. AHHHHH." You scream. And look around because you think someone has heard you. The lights on the cars are starting to blur together, forming long streaks in your vision. Everything is blurring together. And your head still feels like it's floating. You see dots, light spots in your vision. You try to blink them away but it's not working. You wipe away the moisture under your eyes, hoping it won't smudge your mascara. You need to calm down.

"Don't swerve. Focus on the road. Switch lanes. I'm switching lanes. It's ok. I'm switching lanes. Get off the freeway. Where will I go? I know where I'll go. Keep going. I'll go to a school. In my neighborhood. Yeah, I'll go there." Every thought you have, you speak or respond to with your voice.

"He brought a condom. He wanted to have sex with me. Red light. Stop. I didn't want to have sex with him. I'm not that kind of person. Do people see me as that kind of person? I kissed him. Does that make me a slut? I feel like my insides are covered in dirt. I'm a whore. Green light. Go. My videos define me. If I give it up who will I be? Turn signal. Turn. I'm literally no one. People don't even care to watch my videos. Hell, I don't even want to watch my videos. They suck. What makes me think I'll have success starting all over? I'm in the neighborhood. Where to park. I can park here. Should I park here? It's close to a house. Too close to a house. No. In the school. School parking lot. Nobody will be there. What day is it? Tuesday. Shit. Teachers. Maybe no one will be there. It looks empty. But lights are on. People must be here. Park in the back. Where the busses are supposed to park. Is it bad if I park here because of busses? No busses are going to come right now, right? Find a spot. Pick a spot. Commit. Park. Turn the car off. Unbuckle seatbelt. She deserves a better friend than me. I'm an awful person. Lay seat back. I really fucking miss him. How is it possible to miss someone this much? How am I supposed to get a date for prom? Lights just turned on. Maybe it's a cop. Be quiet. Pretend I'm not here. Shh. It's just a teacher leaving. Stay low. If someone was here right now listening to me, I sound fucking insane. Like I should be entered to a mental asylum. This isn't normal. I wonder if a therapist would help. Maybe I need help. I feel so fucking crazy."