winter's weather ~fransykes~

1998

It was New Years Eve and I was sat in my room sulking. My entire family was downstairs, along with Oli's family. In any other circumstances I would be happy to be spending New Years Eve with everyone, and going into a 1999 with Oli. But unfortunately, Oli had brought a guest with him and even more unfortunately, that guest happened to be his boyfriend.

Since last year, Oli and his boyfriend Gabe had become a lot more public about their relationship. Gabe was everything I wasn't; skinny, blonde, charming, smart. It didn't even surprise me that Oli liked Gabe more than me, it was quite obvious that Gabe was better than me on all fronts.

I heard a knock at the door but didn't bother to tell the person they could come in, I just sunk my head into the pillow further. To my relief, it was Elissa who walked through the door instead of Oli or his boyfriend.

In the last year me and Elissa had grown pretty close, to the point where I had even come out to her about being gay. She was the only one who knew so far, but it was my New Years resolution this year to come out to my family and the few friends I had made this year.

That's right, I actually had friends now. Sure, we weren't exactly the popular group and there was only 4 of us, but 4 friends was way better then having none. I had even been asked out by a girl at school this year, which was a whole new experience. We dated for a week, needles too say it wasn't exactly the best week of my life.

"What's up, little bro?" Elissa asked. I sighed dramatically in response as I roll over to face her.

"Promise you won't tell anyone?" I asked her timidly. I was about to confess something to her that I've been keeping a secret for the past year now, something I wasn't even sure I was ready to admit to myself yet.

"I pinky promise." She says, giving me flashbacks to the year before when me and Oli snook away to the dock and he said those exact words to me.

"I, ugh, might have a tiny, little crush on Oli." I sigh. She looks at me for a moment before she bursts out laughing, making me confused. Why would she laugh at me about that?

"Well no shit Sherlock." She laughed. "It's not exactly subtle, Josh, you turn the colour of a fire engine every time the kid even looks at you."

I blushed and looked down, playing with my fingers. It wasn't that obvious, right?

"Umm yeah well, I was going to tell him on Christmas Day but then he kept going on and on about how great his boyfriend is, and then I realised he will never like me back the way I like him." I ranted, making Elissa stop laughing.

"Just because he doesn't like you back right now doesn't mean he never will, peoples feelings change Josh." She said, giving me her older sibling wisdom. "Besides, I've met his boyfriend and they don't get along as well as Oli makes it seem. I bet by this time next year Oli won't even remember who Gabe is."

I laughed at that, a sort of depressing laugh really. I knew Elissa was probably lying to make me feel better, but I appreciated it anyway.

"So what do I do?" I asked her desperately.

"If I was you, I would wait till next year. Maybe in a years time you won't even have a crush on him anymore, you never know how your feelings might change in the space of a year. On the other hand, maybe in that year he will realise what a piece of shit Gabe is and that he's actually been in love with you all along."

"Yeah maybe."

———————

It was the last day of the winter holidays and I was currently packing my last few items up so that we could go back to England. This was always my least favourite part of our annual trip to France, the part where I realised I had to go back to my other life in England.

At home I was a completely different person, I lead a whole other life.

"Bonjour." I heard a French voice say from behind me, soft and silky as velvet. I recognised it immediately.

"Why are you here?" I asked, trying not to sound salty but failing miserably.

"I've come to say goodbye, is that such a crime?" He laughed, but I didn't find it very funny. In fact it made me feel like I wanted to punch somebody, namely Oliver.

"It is when you've spent the last 2 weeks basically ignoring me." I said coldly, making him frown.

"I haven't been ignoring-"

"Yes, you have." I said confidently.

"I'm sorry Josh, it just that Gabe-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Why hang out with me when you can hang out with your amazing French boyfriend, right?"

"Josh it's not like that." He argued, making me roll my eyes at him.

"Honestly Oliver I get it, you'd rather spend your time with someone who you can see everyday, not some foreign boy who disappears for 50 weeks every year." I ranted. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes but I didn't let them spill.

Come on Josh, keep it together, don't let him know how much this actually means to you.

"Josh, you know I'd give up a year with Gabe just to spend two weeks with you. I'm your best friend." He whined, reminding me of when we were little and he'd whine all the time when we were playing so that he could get what he wanted.

"That's the problem." I said under my breath, not caring if he heard or not. The words would mean nothing to him either way.

I barged past him, suitcase in hand, as I made my way downstairs and towards the car that was already packed with things. The air was cold, the ground covered in snow. For a moment I wished I would just slip over on the ice, break my spine and die instantly. That sure would be better than being here right now.

I hopped into the backseat of the car, sitting alone in the silence. My family were still in the house, talking to my grandmas and getting the rest of their things together.

Suddenly, I felt a avalanche or cold air enters the car as someone got into the backseat besides me. I didn't even have to turn my head to know that person defiantly wasn't my sister.

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not." I said stubbornly, crossing my arms over my chest as I suddenly became self conscious.

"Yes I am, Josh. I'm not going to get to see you for a whole other year, I don't want us to leave our relationship on bad terms." He sighed. I turned my head to loom at him, his hazel eyes looked like honey in the sunlight. How could I possibly stay mad at him?

"Then promise me next year will be just us again." I said. Yes, maybe I was being selfish. Did I care? Not at all.

"I promise. No boyfriends allowed." He said, making me both happy and sad at the same time. Oh the irony of him saying "no boyfriends allowed" when all I even wanted was that.

"I'm gay, Oli." I blurted out, making him look at me with wide eyes. Jeez, I never thought I would tell him that. I guess that makes Oli the second person I've officially come out to.

"Oh. That cool, I'm...proud of you." He blushed, looking down at our hands that now rested next to each other on the car seat between us. He took my hand in his, giving it a squeeze before interlocking our fingers.

There we stayed, holding hands but not looking at each other, cheeks flaring, as we sat in the silent car. Well it was silent, until Oli decided to say something that would plague my thoughts for the rest of the year.

"J'aimerais que ce soit toi, Josh"