All Of Me | A Jily Love Story

Chapter Forty Nine: Coming To Terms

- REMUS -

Headaches were common after full moons.
A constant, dull pain; and a reminder that I'd shifted from my preferred skin into the body of another. The shell of a bloodthirsty corpse.
The side of me I kept locked up in an iron cage, restraining it's outstretched claws from the world.
A deep sigh escaped me as I made it to the seventh floor, and for the second time, I wondered to myself why I was heading back to the common room instead of making my way to breakfast. Perhaps I savoured that time of the morning, when all of us were together. Even just for ten minutes, it was a blessing I'd never take for granted. Simple moments in time. Quiet banter. Hangover complaints, homework discussions, or lack of, really. Mary moaning about how little sleep she got, and Alice rolling her eyes at me every time Sirius squeezed Marlene's arse and winked at her with a promise for more.
I turned the last corner of the corridor that lead to the next, where the Fat Lady hung on the wall - applying blusher to her cheeks. I fought the urge to roll my eyes when sudden movement down the opposite end of the corridor caught my eye.
"Mary?" I asked in surprise as she marched forwards, braids flying behind her and tie hanging loosely, as if she'd simply forgotten about it when dressing.
"Remus." Mary breathed, skidding to an abrupt halt. She scanned me with wide, frantic eyes, a sporadic state of urgency spreading into the atmosphere.
"Hey." I said lightly, my initial smile fading. "Are you alright?" I asked, concern washing away any sense of calm that the headache tonic had given me. She was now standing five feet away, panting slightly at each rise and fall of her chest. Her hands trembled very slightly by her sides, and those glossy lips quivered - as if she'd been running, or screaming, or having a panic attack for all I knew.
"Mar?" I pressed urgently, searching for any visible sign that could suggest the stem of her erratic behaviour. When she just stared at me, eyes so dark that they were almost onyx melting into my face like a hot brand, I took a single step forwards.
"Did something happen?" I continued quietly, scanning her tight expression. Perhaps things hadn't worked out with us the way we planned; but that didn't mean I wouldn't be there for her when she needed a friend.
She licked her trembling lips and shook her head once.
"N - I... yes." She swore, blinking once. "I don't know."
"We can sit down talk about it, if you like." I murmured, feeling my chest twinge at the familiar expression of pain she wore - pain, so similar to what I saw each morning when I glanced at the ornate mirror in the boys dormitory bathroom. I knew what that pain was; the self inflicted guilt, the constant reminder looming above you through each step of your life. What could she have done, said, or seen to have made her feel that way? So full to the brim of roiling, scalding hot self hatred?
"We don't have to go to breakfast." I added, removing my hands from my pockets and letting them hang by my sides limply. Mary's eyes softened at my words, her smooth face slackening slightly. "I know a place," I continued when she didn't reply, cautious of the unfamiliar ground I was now venturing. "On the east side of the castle. James took me there once, after...well, a long time ago." I paused, holding my breath. "I could take you there, if you'd like. There's -"
"Shut up for a second." Mary breathed.
I blinked in surprise to see that we'd unconsciously moved two feet closer to each other in the span of a minute.  My mouth froze open mid sentence, and I stared at her quizzically as I slowly obeyed.
"Just...-" She paused, wincing, and took another step towards me. "Shut up."
We were only a metre away from each other now.
Planted to the cold stone floor my feet froze, and I suddenly found myself rooted to the spot.
"What are you doing?" I asked quietly, curdling dread settling over me like a cold blanket as Mary's eyes flickered down to my mouth and back.
Please don't, please don't, please don't, please don't I silently begged.
"Shut up." She whispered in reply, shaking her head.
"Mar -"
"Please." Her voice was hoarse. All I could do was stare at her as she gazed into my eyes with that pleading torment, face swimming with pain. "Please." She repeated in a whisper, clenching both hands into fists.
I didn't reply, absolutely frozen to the floor.
I blinked, and before I knew it her face was inches from mine - centimetres -
Mary raised a trembling hand between us, my eyes flickering towards it as she slowly, so slowly let it rest against on my shoulder. An awkward, unnatural gesture. Breath hitched in my throat and heart pounding against my chest like a metal drum, my eyes dragged upwards.
"Mar." I whispered pleadingly, resisting the urge to shrug her stiff hand from my shoulder. "I don't w -"
"Stop talking." Her voice was steadier than it had been moments ago.
My heart missed a beat as she stepped so close that our noses almost brushed against one another, her other hand lifting to caress the side of my face. An involuntary shiver ran through me at the contrasting warmth of her fingers against my cold cheek.
I opened my mouth to explain, to tell her that I couldn't, not again - that I valued our friendship far too much to ever put us back in the position of awkward conversation and clammy hands -
Her lips hovered below of mine, breath fanning across my face. I didn't have the chance to blurt out that It wasn't right, that there was no way it would ever work for both of us to be happy -
My eyes seemed to involuntarily wrench close as Mary's full, dark lips pressed against my own, soft and warm in the sharp cold of the morning. My hands were stiff at my sides, and I felt the rising tension in her own as she tentatively grazed my cheek -
The portrait hole abruptly swung open with a loud creak, and as if something had snapped inside of me, I jerked my eyes open and stumbled back a step. Mary blinked at me in faint surprise, her cheeks flushed and lips paled despite our...kiss.
I turned to face the five familiar faces that gaped at us from the portrait hole entrance. Pure, unrelenting waves of shock rippled from them as their eyes collectively widened - in realisation, disgust, confusion - I couldn't decipher.
My heart thundered in my chest, Mary's braids swinging behind her as she followed my gaze. I felt heat flood my cheeks and shamefully had the nerve to look away; 5 pairs of bulging eyes searching for an explanation in the warm planes of my face.
"I..." I breathed, mustering the strength to face her. "Mary, I -" Whatever words I'd been about to say died in my throat as I watched the final dull sparkle in her eyes wink out.
"Mary." I begged in a whisper, taking a half step forwards and hesitating before her. What was there to say? In front of everyone? 'I'm sorry'? 'I don't love you the way that I thought I once had'?
However my pause and lack of words seemed to be enough to tell her what I felt; and I watched helplessly, so helplessly, as a cold mask smoothed over her golden brown face. My stomach clenched at the agony of it, eyes tearing themselves away from her empty, weakened gaze.
A gust of wind by my side informed me that Mary had fled into the common room, leaving a cold, sad emptiness in her wake.
I was a bastard.
Guilt clawed at my gut as I raised my eyes to where they met Lily's. She betrayed nothing on her face spare from adamant shock.
"What the fuck." Sirius was the first to speak, turning to face the portrait hole where Mary had disappeared mere moments ago.
Silence followed his words as Marlene, Alice and Lily exchanged a look - slowly dragging their eyes back to my face in eery synchronisation.
What the fuck, I silently agreed. What the fuck was I going to do?
"Well?" The fat lady demanded as James quietly swung her close, turning to meet Lily's quiet stare. "Don't just stand there like spineless worms!" She continued irritably, lifting her hands to her plump hips. "What happened?"
"Mary kissed me." I answered hoarsely, cringing at the five pairs of eyes that flickered back to my face. It was quiet for a moment. Before:
"Oh."
Her voice was flat. I glanced to the portrait in time to see her flash Marlene a warning look.
"I could sense the tension, but I truly hoped she wouldn't." Her loud whisper was as effective as James's impressive bellowing on the Quidditch pitch; heard from miles away.
"What the fuck?" Sirius repeated, his words formed in the shape of a question this time as he turned to face me. "Moony?" He pressed, waving a hand through the air. His stormy eyes found mine, bold and open.
"Care for an explanation?" 
"Shut up for one second and maybe he'll get a word out." Lily snapped at him, folding her arms haughtily. James shot Sirius a look as if to say 'I'd listen, if I were you'. Unable to find humour in the exchange, I merely swallowed, digging my suddenly shaky hands into the pockets of my school trousers. They felt so unbearably heavy all of a sudden.
The absence of Mary's lips on mine burned, and I could still feel her skin, her breath on my face as I parted my lips.
"I don't know." I said hoarsely, letting my eyes flicker from Marlene, who stared at me with her mouth hanging half open, to Alice, who looked as if she was struggling to find the appropriate words, to Lily, who was gazing at my face in profound concentration, and finally, to both Sirius and James, who looked about as nonplussed as I.
"I was coming back from the Hospital Wing." I continued when they merely stared at me, and I figured that they weren't going to drop it without a brief explanation at the least. "I went to fetch a headache tonic early this morning. Just as I arrived, she appeared around the other corner and..." I hesitated. "Well, she wasn't...doing very well. Looked as though she'd been running, her eyes were all over the place and she was slightly - panicked."
"Panicked?" Lily repeated, eyebrows raising.
"Sounds like the doing of heroin." Sirius muttered into James's ear. It was silent as Lily slowly turned to face him, and I watched in faint amusement as the laughter was wiped clean from his face. She calmly turned back to me, expression smooth of any smug triumph.
"...I think - " I gulped, fumbling through the film of memories that rocketed through my mind. "- well, I'm not really sure what...we agreed, weeks ago, to be friends and I -"
"You still feel the same as you did then." Lily finished, studying my face carefully. I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. Becoming uncomfortably aware of my surroundings, I shifted on my feet slightly and glanced around.
"And you're afraid that she's..." Alice still seemed to struggle in finding the correct words. "Changed her mind?" She settled, shrinking backwards slightly as I met her gaze.
I blinked.
"What else would he mean?" Marlene rolled her eyes, gesturing to me with a hand. "She kissed him."
I winced. It didn't go unnoticed by Lily, who's bright emerald eyes narrowed. "I think that's a pretty clear indication that she's changed her mind."
"I don't know." I said honestly, causing her to raise a skeptical eyebrow. "There was no... warmth. It was - awkward."
"On your side." James corrected, offering all but a shrug when my eyes flickered to him. "Something obviously fuelled her to do it."
"Perhaps we should go find her." Lily mumbled quietly, turning to Marlene and Ali.
"I wouldn't." Alice was the one who replied, shaking her head. "She'll need to cool off. I don't think she'll handle being caught, er, very well."
There was a brief pause.
"Shall we just leave it, then?" Marlene asked it as if that was precisely what we shouldn't do.
"What else is there to say?" Sirius asked no one in particular.
I inhaled sharply and shook my head, dazed.
Remembering our conversation from weeks ago, the clear understanding we'd reached - the mutual friendship we'd agreed on... I shook my head again, feeling winded to the point of nausea.
"I've no idea." I admitted, gazing at the wall distractedly. "I..."
"Let's just go to breakfast, for now." James ran a hand through his hair, meeting my eyes with a subtle nod. Here if you need.
And despite the gnawing feeling of guilt in my gut, despite the raising anxiety that coiled in my stomach like a nest of rattlesnakes, despite my aura of distractedness - the silent gesture calmed me slightly.
Slightly.
And so we went to breakfast.
The walk to the great hall was mostly quiet, if not silent.
Mary didn't come to first period, or second. At some point during interval Alice disappeared in search of her.
She didn't come to third period, either. She was absent for both lunch and our last lesson of the day.
Her seat besides me was empty during dinner.
Again and again, chrystal clear as if it had been yesterday, the words we shared repeated themselves in my mind on a constant loop.
"And I'm sorry if I ever gave you hope," Her voice had been soft, gentle even. "that while I did feel for you in that way, it was ever going to be more than that." Nothing like her usual brash demeanour. "I suppose I hoped it would be, for a while."
"Don't be sorry." I'd replied quietly, sliding an arm around her and tugging her into my side. "People change. We grew. I..." I'd hesitated slightly, wondering where the line was. "I hope this won't make things different between us."
"Not if I can help it." She'd flashed me a wide grin, and for the first time in weeks, I'd felt the pressing weight I'd been drowning beneath lift from my chest.
"It wasn't right for us." I'd settled, resting my cheek against her warm forehead. "I'm happier, in a way. Maybe...I don't know." I paused, scanning the star spotted sky. "Maybe it was never meant to be like that for us."
I'd heard her sigh faintly, as if in relief, before she replied with "I don't think it was."