In My Head

4. Confession: WhatsApp

"Think about your decisions before you make them."
Gosh, I think I think too much.

My hand hovers over the crimson heart on my keyboard, right next to the laugh emojis by the "sleep well" I typed.
I don't want you to leave.

I want you to know I care about you
I kinda want you to know I like you.

But I'm so scared it'll backfire
I read too much into your actions...

Do you read that deep into mine?
It's so painfully obvious, the way I get jealous
When you treat them the way you treat me. I know you care...

But what about?

I swear I care too much
And I don't want it to be my downfall.

My hand hovers over the crimson heart on my keyboard, right next to the laugh emojis by the "sleep well" I typed.

She said laugh emojis always helped to switch the mood of a conversation, whatever mood, to flaky, casual.

I want to be anything, everything but.

I've always been scared of commitment, of never being ready enough
Of what happens when I take the leap.

You work out, you'll make it.
I'm scared I'll break my legs if you don't catch me when I fall.

And I need my legs, and I swear that every word of this makes sense.

But

My hand hovers over the crimson heart on my keyboard, right next to the laugh emojis by the "sleep well" I typed.

I say "Why can't you just be straightforward?"

You say "Why'd you delete the message?"

And my hand hovers over the "send" button, paper plane against forest green promising to deliver so many unspoken confessions, but I wimp out.

I'm so stupid sometimes

But I try to convince myself,
It's better this way

When the backspace button holds more stories than I ever could
And my deleted messages are far braver than I ever was.

My hand hovers over the crimson heart on my keyboard, right next to the laugh emojis by the "sleep well" I typed.

I really hoped you'd sleep well.
I just wanted to be brave enough to remove the laugh emojis,
Brave enough to send that crimson heart...

Brave enough to say it to your face.

—M.
12/12/2019
12:33 AM