Can you trust me? //Bts Jimin fanfiction

(25) I miss you

After some minutes of just staring at the ceiling, dwelling in happy thoughts, he went to have a shower and changed into some comfy-clothes when suddenly, his phone started buzzing.

*

Kiara:
Uhm... Hi...

Kiara:
I want to apologize.

Kiara:
I miss you so much and I'm really sorry I messed it up with us.

It didn't even take a second for his heart rate to hit 180 and his hands were shaking hard when he reached for his phone. She sounded so desperate. Jimin couldn't help but like it a tiny little bit. She'd broken in first. And he'd been wrong, she did need him, she missed him and it made him smile. Of course, he didn't want her sad, but he was glad that he now had a confirmation again that he actually meant something to her. He didn't bother to reply to her text, he went to close the curtains and turned on as many lights as possible to start a video call immediately. He'd been dying to see her face again. Strangely, it took her almost two minutes to pick up. Had she put away her phone that far after sending the texts?

When she finally answered, though, Jimin couldn't help but feel the flutter in his stomach again. The one that had made him realize that she was more than a friend to him. That he needed her in his life, the one that had made him give her a key to his and the other member's apartment to which he had still not gotten a response. It didn't really matter to him that much since right now, they weren't home anyways, but still, he wished they could always spend more time together which was why he was incredibly glad she agreed to video-chat with him right here and now. As far as he could tell, she was in her room, lying on her bed just like he was, but he hadn't been at her apartment – ever – so he couldn't know for sure, but the circumstances made him figure it. In Seoul, it was way too late as well, so there was no reason for her to be anywhere else but home.

She looked very tired, but the way she was smiling sent shivers down his spine. He liked the way she had her shoulder-length hair down and a huge oversized hoodie keeping her warm. It was the perfect cute sleepy-look on her and he wondered how he must look right now. He also noticed how her hair-colour had changed in those four weeks. Before she'd worn it in a darker colour, dyed black and now her natural more brown-ish colour showed again.

"I wanted to call you. I wanted to call you so badly, but I didn't. I was so scared you'd be mad at me. So scared that I did things that would make you even madder and I know it doesn't make sense, but I was afraid because I missed you so much. I didn't want to accept it.", she started rambling and Jimin chuckled at how insecure and apologizing she sounded. He nodded understandingly and interrupted her waterfall of words to relieve her. It was unfair letting her think that he would be angry or anything like that. How could he be after all?
"Listen! Hey, it's fine, don't worry about it. I'm not mad, I missed you too, and I'm sorry I didn't call you either. I kept telling myself I was busy and that you should be the one to contact me, my pride got to me.", he admitted and watched how she sighed in relief and smiled at him again.
"Wow, we really make it complicated for us.", she said and he nodded. She was right. It was kind of sad what drama this simple thing had become.
"Important is that we can talk again. I was worried I'd lose you."
She lifted her eyebrows unbelievingly and Jimin felt how he blushed.
"Why would you think that? I could never-"
"Just because... things were so weird between us when we said goodbye. I didn't even get the chance to talk to you privately on the plane. And before that, things weren't right either. You know what I'm talking about, and why didn't you want to sit with me? It felt like Yoongi had to protect you from my presence, I don't understand what's going on.", he tried to explain and at the same time get her to tell him what was going on with her lately. He knew something was wrong and he wanted to know so badly because he was worried sick and at the same time felt a little betrayed because she wouldn't come forward by herself. He wasn't just her boyfriend, after all, they were best friends and he was there for her whatever happened. She covered her eyes with her hand while the other was holding the phone and swallowed hard. It really seemed like she couldn't talk about it which made him even more curious and nervous.

"It's my fault, Jimin-ssi.", she stated after a short silence, her voice drained of energy and happiness.
"I... I get moody when I'm tired and tired when I don't sleep. And I don't sleep because..."
Now, this was the interesting part for him and he couldn't help but lift his eyebrows expectantly even though he didn't want to rush her which could lead to Kiara not telling him what was going on.
"I can't sleep, I'm not sure where it came from, but I get scared so easily. I'm anxious about things that were once normal to me. It might not seem that way, but meeting so many new people is very intimidating to me and when I don't get enough time to myself with my thoughts and my sketchbook maybe, I feel like I'm going crazy. It just wore me out and I... I didn't want to tell you because it sounds ridiculous and you have bigger problems than that. The only thing about it is that this had gone for quite some time now, not just in Australia. Every since I left the opera, I guess."

Jimin didn't know what to say. He had no idea what he could possibly respond to her confession right now. He knew he had to say something, but what was it that she needed to hear now? Was it that he understood? That he forgave her? Was she asking for forgiveness even?
"Kiara-ssi...", he began, but he started feeling sick out of nervosity that he didn't bring out another word.
"It's okay, Jimin-ssi, I'm not made of glass, you can talk to me just the way we usually do. Please don't start treating me differently!", she made it a little easier for him, and he nodded before he tried to express what he thought about all of this again: "I'm glad that you finally told me, you know? I'm not sure yet if I understood everything correctly, but a lot makes more sense now."
No one said another word for quite some time until he couldn't hold it anymore.
"Can I still ask you some things? Because there are-"
"Go ahead. You can ask me anything all the time. Believe me, if I don't want to answer or if I can't answer, I'll just say so. What are you afraid of?"
The brunette ran his hand through his hair and blushed when the truthful answer came to his head. He couldn't say that though, could he? Why was he always thinking so cheesily? It was embarrassing, really.
"Just..."

She looked at him strangely and once again he silently cursed the fact that she could almost always tell when he was lying.
"Alright, I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable even if that means that I don't know a thing that's going on. I can't do that to you and now that I know you're going through a lot more than I thought in your mind, I feel like I should take care of you and be there for you more." He didn't dare to look into her eyes since he knew his cheeks were red and she was probably making fun of him, but when he finally lifted his gaze again, she was smiling at him fondly with tears sparkling in her eyes. "I don't deserve you.", was all she whispered and he knew his lips were slightly parted as he stared at her. "I want to kiss you.", he mumbled back after a while and watched how her eyes formed that cute little crinkle that showed her smile.
"Me too."
"I wish I stayed a dancer. I'd be with you right now. And maybe I could have protected you from whatever it is that's making your life difficult at the moment."
They just looked at each other or a second, then Jimin spoke up again. It was like the words were just forming and he let them out in one flow, there was so much on his mind, he didn't even consider anymore whether or not he should say it.
"And you know that you can always talk to me, right? I don't care if it's in the middle of the night or during rehearsals. Whatever it is, please talk to me! You don't have to put up an act and be happy for me and the members, it's okay to be tired, or sad, or bored, or grumpy sometimes. Don't stress yourself so much about how your impression is on the others. They all love you and want to see you again. Hoseok-hyung said you should come to our concerts, but I thought you can't just spontaneously fly to Japan and back on a weekend. Still, the point is, they like you a lot the way you are, so be who you are, not who you think you should be."