Dec 21st by Clara
I could cry for you,
But I'm not sure you're worth it
I feel heavy, like the water in my body is meant to roll down my cheeks
But I'm not sure my sadness will go with it
I've been drowning a little
Lately I've ignored it
I usually try to forget the moments when you're heartless
I rarely remember the times I've lended you my happiness
I've felt empty for a few years
It's been hard to overcome
On top of this I've felt great grief
For many people, but most prominently for you and who I thought you were
I didn't have much of an opportunity to consider what I wanted in life
As it felt as though all I knew is what I didn't want and it was always right infront of me
I learned to cut the pain away
Or throw up whatever kept me satiated
I would've given my last breath to you
Because you taught me that you are my worth
I told you I can't love myself-when I am with you and walked out the house
I thought about walking into the lake
The only place I've ever felt wanted
I walked past strangers and for once I didn't care what they thought of my tear stained eyes or my goosebumps
I had no one to represent anymore
Only a underfed skeleton I spent years abusing
What did anything mean
When I didn't have anything to begin with
I only ever had others joy, others anger, others sadness
When I lost Kate
I lost the first piece of me
The first thing that was ever mine to say I'm sorry for
Because to Kate, I owe nothing
But to Kate, I also credit for everything I now have
Not because she gave it to me,
But because she pointed it out
She showed me that the ground is mine and it is temporary
She showed me the health of my lungs and the beauty in my heart
To myself, I owe very much
I owe Clara years of writing my wrongs
I owe It to Clara to let her live her life as an individual and not as a coat hanger for others mistrust
I am free
Because In recovery there is no destination
There is only being
