Who Are You

Ever since the day I saw the beautiful red-stringed bracelet bangle that was placed on display in the antique store down the street, every single night that I woke up from my sleep, I would do so with a tear-stricken face or with fear and anxiety eating me alive.

Occasionally, I would jerk awake and scream from my throat with my hand in the air; as if I was trying to grasp something or someone in front of me before the nightmare stopped and vanished. My eyes would be red from all the crying. My pillowcase was always wet from all the tears I cried unknowingly through the night.

I always pondered about the nightmares I kept having ever since the day I saw the bracelet.

I knew that bracelet was the trigger. I felt the shock in my brain the moment I laid sight on the bracelet. The cold that ran down my spine.

But no matter how long I thought and stress about it, I couldn't grasp why I was having those nightmares that would have me feel as if they were real.

Some of the days, the dreams I had were horrific and devastating. I watched as people were killed right in front of my eyes. The wind blew and swords and talisman of fire flew around. Metal met metal and they clashed into a sword fight. The sound of metal slicing off flesh rings horrifyingly in my ears. It was harrowing.

I want to drop everything, cover my ears and run.

But no matter what I do, my body wouldn't listen to me. I would watch myself fight in the war—a war I didn't know why I had to attend—first-hand. Feel the fear-filled adrenaline run in my veins. Feel the pain of metal digging into my flesh and the warm blood leaving my body. Smell the revolting stench of iron blood and rotten flesh from the burning fires that were made to clean up the victims of the war to send them up into the skies.

Sometimes, there was this person who stood by my side. When I lost hope and fell into despair, he gave out his hand and pulled me out from the hell hole I was in.

There were times the dreams transitioned into watching myself kneeling on the grassy ground beside a river, breaking down endlessly with non-stop crying. I kept whispering words, screaming someone's name. But I couldn't remember what had left my lips when I wake up.

These nightmares were filled with pure terror and hatred. Those emotions would still linger within me after I rose from them. I would wake up sweating and panting heavily, my teeth grinding against each other and my hands clenched by my sides. My heart crunched and squeezed within my chest of bones and the back of my mind always lingered these spine-chilling words:

'I will kill you... I will kill you all!! No matter where all of you are, I will hunt you down and kill you all with my own hands. Even if I am dead, my spirit will haunt all of you forever!'

Those words ringing in the back of my mind would bring chills running down my spine.

On the days that the nightmares weren't petrifying nightmares, they were filled with both joy and happiness. The ones that had my heart start mourning was the heart-aching moments. Each one of them ends with the previous same person's back and silhouette. Always.

However... I couldn't remember the events that had happened. I could only remember what I experienced emotionally—the emotions I felt as the person I am in the dreams.

On the days that I felt sadness and heart-aches, I would wake up from my sleep to bawl my eyes out more.

'Please don't go... Please don't push me away! I want to help you!' were the very words that stuck in my mind when I rose from my slumber with a slightly raw throat. My heart felt as if it was empty; throbbing painfully and mourning for the happened events that I couldn't remember in my dreams.

The feeling of uselessness and aching in my heart would last for the further half of the day; affecting my mood and my energy for work.

On the days that I felt the joy and happiness from the dreams, it was the best feeling ever as if I was in cloud-nine. The dream would end with a happy ending. Once, I was hugged by someone whose face couldn't be seen from the shadows of his bangs. Other times, I would be caught in that person's arms while I jumped down from a tree branch. His strong arms that wrapped around my waist and the very strength I could feel that was being exuded out of him from his cultivated aura. I knew I enjoyed every moment with him without needing to remember.

Those were the dreams where I would wake up without tears staining my cheeks but with a touched smile on my face.

Despite my heart racing every time I see his silhouette, I couldn't see his face.

Not once, never once.

I couldn't even remember his name, but I knew I called his name many many many times in the dreamscape. Whenever I tried calling out his supposed name after I woke up, the supposed words would be stuck in my throat, leaving only an airy gasp of air to leave my lips.

You who endured a lot of different hurdles in life. You who were by my side. You who have shown many different emotions and sides of yourself.

And yet... I am unable to remember you.

The painful, joyful, extreme days that I feel when I am with you... I can't remember any of them—except the lingering emotions after I woke up from the dreams.

I am unable to remember your face. I am unable to remember your voice. Unable to remember anything other than your very back...

Not being able to remember him was killing me...

I want to know...

I want to know!

The very back of the person in my dreams. His long raven hair where they were parted into half, the top portion being tied into a bun while the bottom was left to flow down smoothly behind his back where he wore his silky earthy-black coloured robes, blending well with his slightly tanned-peach skin. The very same smile that would make my heart flutter, jump and skip beats every time they were flashed to my way; subtle or not. His smooth, warm aura that showed strength and years of devoted cultivation. He had appeared in many different forgotten scenes so much so that he was carved into my mind.

Today was just another day where I woke up from the same scenario of the dreams and felt the pain and aches.

Half dried tears stained my cheeks and my right hand was raised upwards; fingers spread wide apart, trying to reach for something invisible.

As always, the last scene of the dream was the sight of that same man's back walking away from me. I screamed at him to not go. But he still vanished into wilting flowers.

He was so far... So so so far away from my grasp.

Heart drowned in sorrow, words of longing lingered in my mind. With fresh tears rolling down the side of my temples, my fingers trembled and I brought my hand back to my chest slowly.

"Who are you?" Those words left my lips as they quivered.

I felt my heart throb in response to the question. Turning my body to my side, I pulled my legs closer to me and curled while holding my closed hand to my chest, to my heart.

You who only appear in my dreams... Will you finally show me your face? Will you finally tell me your name?

"... Who are you..."