Infinity War Saga

all our many sins

It hurts so much more than he thought it would.

(But also, not. He was born out of pain. Built on it. Built for it.)

You aren't the only one cursed with knowledge, Thanos had said, that day they lost, and Tony had thought he was talking about his own delusions, but maybe he was talking about this. Like he had known, somehow, that no matter how the world spins off course and no matter what they had done, it would always come to this, the two of them, one bent on destroying the world and one who wanted nothing but to save it. Who wanted so many things, but who mostly wanted this world to be safe. There were so many people in it that he needed to make things okay for, and as long as Thanos was there, nothing would be okay. I am inevitable.

And maybe he was.

Maybe this entire battle was.

But so was Tony.

Thanos seemed to have forgotten that.

We couldn't defend Earth, he had said, and the first time he had mouthed the words (he cannot remember saying them, Nebula plays him the recording later), it had still been with Peter's ashes on his hands. But we'll be damn sure that we avenge it.

He supposes that what he did just now was a bit of both.

"Tony." Rhodey's face swims in front of him. There is ash smeared across the cheek. Tony wants to tell him, but he can't seem to figure out how to speak. Which is too bad. He's got a lot of things that he wants to say. "Hey, man."

He's not crying. Tony didn't expect him to. Rhodey had told him once that it was a skill you learn, over time- to bite the inside of your cheek or dig your nails into your palms and blink away the tears, just so you can look strong when you hold somebody who was weak. Tony wonders how many times they have had mirror images of this moment and cannot even count them- Rhodey holding him up back at MIT when Tony stumbles down a dark alley after a party he wasn't old enough to be at, Rhodey holding him up after his first battle against Stane, Rhodey holding him up when the poison had been coursing through his veins, Rhodey always, always, always going to be there to hold him up, to give Tony someone to lean on.

Peter had not learned that lesson yet.

"Hey, Mr. Stark. It's me. It's Peter." He looks so scared. Tony hadn't wanted him in the battle the first time, up there in outer space, and he hadn't wanted him here now. There are tear tracks streaking through the grime on his face, and Tony can imagine it- him clutching the infinity gauntlet to his chest, curled up on the ground as those things tear at him, crying, still trying to be a hero, still trying not to be afraid. He looks afraid, now. "We did it Mr. Stark." Call me Tony. "We won. We won."

I failed you before, Tony wants to say. He wants to hug him again. He wants to take him out for cheeseburgers, and go watch his stupid academic challenge matches, and tell him he's proud of him, because he had spent so much time worrying about what was proper and trying not to ruin him that Tony had never really said anything important. He hopes Peter knows. He suspects that he wouldn't be looking so sad if he didn't know. I didn't want to fail you again. I wanted you to be safe. I wanted you not to have to fight anymore.

But he would fight. Tony had known he would fight since the moment he first came into that apartment, with Peter looking half embarrassed at the dirty clothes on the floor and the electronics he dug out of the trash, telling him that when you can do the things I can, and the bad things happen and you don't try to stop it, then the bad things are happening because of you.

Tony had understood that.

The burden of ability.

It's why he had kept looking for a way to fix it, even when he was holed up in that cabin out in the woods. Why he had lied to his daughter when she asked him when he was coming home. Why he didn't hesitate when he had the chance to take the strength of the universe on his own shoulders.

Only a god can bear it, they had said before, but Tony is not a god. He's just a man. He's only ever been just a man.

"Hey," Peter is being led away, shuffled off to the side, and Tony watches him for a moment longer, the way his shoulders were shaking, the hand that he was pressing to his mouth, Rhodey's hand laying heavy on his shoulder, but then Tony focuses on the face in front of him, because it's Pepper. "Hey. It's okay."

He wants to tell her that he was sorry. Wants to tell her he should have listened, back when he made that very first suit. But she probably wouldn't have loved him, if hadn't become what he was, though she swears that she can't remember a time where she knew him and did not love him.

"We'll be okay." We. Morgan. "We're going to be okay, Tony."

I was only trying to make it safe for you, Tony thinks, and he knows it is better that she is not, but he wishes that Morgan was here, that he could hold her one last time. He should have held her longer, that day he said goodbye, but there must have been a part of him that thought he was going to come home, that never believed that he would die. He always wins out, doesn't he? He'd crawled out of a cave. He'd faced down a titan. He held the power of the universe in the palm of his hand and managed to control it. I was only trying to be someone that you could be proud of.

"It's okay," She says, and when she reaches out to touch the arc reactor over his chest, he knows that she can feel it flickering. He can feel it fading, the vibrations that normally hum against his bones going dim. "We'll be okay, Tony."

I'm sorry, he thinks, and it is not enough.

I love you, and he still cannot feel the strength to say it, cannot even find the strength to look away from her face. A part of him always thought that he would have died alone, and he cannot say that this is better.

I love you three thousand, he thinks. I love you with everything.