Am I Married?

48. The Regrets of the Past

It was not easy. It was not easy to forget about all those thoughts that you'd lived with for years. In just few weeks, Ashar managed to shake my whole existence. I was fazed and bewildered. Seeing him all sugary weakened me to get angry on him, to push him away, to tell him to stop his sweet torture on me. And the hurt I observed on his face every time I taunted him or rejected him left me ashamed, especially when he do not react to my temperament and deal with me patiently. As if he understood my inner battles and fears, as if he could now finally understand my suffering.

He always tried to hide the hurt that was caused due to my tantrums with a forced, sad smile. I tried to ignore that, but damn my stupid heart. His love confession took me to another world and forced me to sink deep into the feeling that was once again erupted in me. 

Since, I was no more an impulsive and foolish teenager like I used to be in the past, I was afraid to trust him again. I had gone through a very tough phase of my life when I was trying to recover from the aftermath of my marriage with Ashar, so I would not take any decision thoughtlessly this time.

I was scared to trust him, scared to fall in love again. I was not certain if I would be able to survive another heartbreak or not. I was not even sure if I wanted to try this marriage or not. Ashar and I were worlds apart and what he did to me back then, how he treated me was not something I could just easily forget.

Days passed. After Kingsley's anniversary event, Ashar and I only talked about work. He didn't touch the conversation about that night. I was thankful because I was not yet ready to talk to him about our marriage. Since I was now getting used to of this new Ashar, I expected him to be mature enough to not to push the subject further and he didn't. We acted formal and professional with each other.

He remained connected to Zoya through the phone that he had given to her. He also took her out few times. I was happy that their relation didn't get affected. 

Although, I was acting ignorant and casual around Ashar, still I couldn't help but notice how Ashar's eyes looked at me as if they were waiting for me to open up and talk to him. The obvious grief and concern on his face was readable, however he tried to hide it and pretend to be normal in a failed attempt.

Around midnight, my phone began ringing. I reached for it and saw Ashar was calling me. I felt hesitant and astounded at the same time because he didn't contact me on my personal number since few days.

Tentatively, I tapped accept button on my phone's screen and moved it to my ear, "Yes?"

"Hey, come downstairs. I want to talk to you." He said in a calm tone.

I assumed that he was maybe here to instigate that awkward conversation again related to our marriage problem, so I felt distressed, "Say it here. I'm busy."

"Sanaya, it's urgent. I'll be quick." He persisted.

"Where are you?"

"Downstairs. Outside the building." He cut the call after that.

I looked at my phone screen for a moment while trying to think about what could be so urgent that he couldn't wait till morning. Reluctantly, I forced myself to put the phone down on the bed and moved towards the mirror. I arranged my hair through my fingers quickly and straightened my peplum, white shirt and also my skin-tight cropped pants.

Zoya was still awake, watching her favourite cartoon Powerpuff Girls. She watched it regularly and admired the fearless, little girls in it. I went outside the room and instructed her hastily, "Darling, I'm going down for few minutes. You don't follow me and don't do anything stupid, okay?"

"Be back soon, Mommy." She cocked her head to the side and said in the cutest possible way.

"Aww, for sure." I gave her a peck on her chubby cheek and got out of the apartment, locking the door behind.