You Keep Me Safe (Jalex)

11: Now That You Know It

Title from: "Jet Black Heart" by 5 Seconds of Summer.

It is now eight, and I'm cuddling a sleepy Jack in my arms as we watch Netflix on my phone. He has already dozed off once, which was adorable. I totally didn't stare. He has been awake for awhile, looking up at me every once in a while, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he does so.

"We need to talk," he mutters.

"About what?" I ask, tapping pause. I hope he doesn't think kissing me was a mistake again.

"About that," he says, motioning to the bruise on my forehead.

Panic rises in my throat momentarily as I wrack my brain for some sort of excuse. "Oh, I fell down the stairs," I say shakily, chuckling. I don't understand why I can't effortlessly lie to him, as I'm able to lie to everyone else.

"Bullshit, Alex!" he exclaims, causing me to flinch. He gets up from laying on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes. "I'm your best friend, you can tell me what really happened."

"That's the truth," I state with the most convincing voice I can muster.

"Right, okay. That explains the fact that you hate being home, you're almost always bruised, and you flinch every time someone raises their voice. That explains why I found you in your hallway struggling to breathe with tears streaming down your cheeks on the night I met you- just after your dad had been with you. Is it your dad? Is he-"

"Shut up!" I scream, covering my ears. I squeeze my eyes shut, desperately attempting to prevent tears from escaping them. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! Everything is okay at home! In fact, maybe I'll go home now just to prove it!"

"Alex."

"Don't 'Alex' me," I retort, standing up only to get pulled down again.

"Please, tell me if he's hurting you," he says, his voice wobbling and breaking.

"I, well, he, uhm, it's my fault," I stutter out.

"So he does then?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper. I slowly nod, squeezing my eyes shut. I can't bear to see his reaction. "Lex, you can't let him get away with it!" he whisper-yells.

"I don't have anywhere to go if he's gone," I reply. "He's the only family I have, lord knows where my mom disappeared to...," I trail off, realizing what I'd just said out loud.

"Here, take this. Keep it until you see me again," my mother whispered to my four-year-old self. I giggle, not understanding what was happening. I was too innocent; too young. I take the guitar pick she'd always used when she played her guitar. Every night, she'd softly strum in a chair beside my bed until I fell into my nightly slumber. She'd signed her initials on it before passing it to me.

"Thank you," I squeal, giving her a hug. Of course, I had no idea what it was at that time, but it was obvious it was special to her, so I kept it. She kissed my forehead, squeezing me tight as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Why are you crying?" I ask, using my hand to wipe it away.

"No reason, sweetie. Just so proud of you," she whispers. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

After that, she picked up a large duffel bag and walked out the front door. I waited for days, turning into weeks, then into months, then into years. Eventually, it occurred to me that I'd never see her walk back through the front door.

"Your... mother?" Jack asks shakily. I squeeze my eyes shut for the hundredth time, moving my hands up to my hair and tugging on it. I didn't think about her lately; I'd been able to keep it out of my mind. Now, it was all coming back. She left me just like everyone else. She left me with my father.

"I can't believe she fucking left me with him," I growl, suddenly angry. Jack reaches for me, but I hit his hand away. I stand up, pacing the carpeted floor of his room. "She didn't want me, no one does. I'm unlovable. She left me just like everyone else. Why can't I be good enough? Just one time, that's all I ever fucking asked for!" My voice raises as I speak. "He got angry when she left, and decided to take it all out on me. Maybe I deserved it, I'm probably the reason why she left and I needed to suffer the consequ-," I'm cut off my a pair of lips crashing into mine, a body pushing me into the door behind me.

I'm about to push Jack off of me, but I don't. I melt into the kiss, relishing the rush that shot through my body for a few moments. I pull away, breaking down crying. Jack pulls me into his chest, squeezing me tightly against him.

"Lex, you don't deserve it," he whispers. "And you're more than good enough. The people that have left you in the past were just too blind to see what they were missing. I know you think everyone will leave you, but, Alex, I swear on everything, I'm not abandoning you."

I take in a shaky breath, still crying. I don't respond, but I continue to clutch to him. He gently lifts me up, carrying me over to his bed. He releases me for just a moment to pull the sheets over us, then slips in bed beside me and pulls me into his chest. My sobbing eventually subsides into sniffles before I fall into a deep sleep, drained from crying.