MY WEIRD LIFE AND ME: AN ONLINE DIARY

7th January, 2020, Tuesday, 9;45 p.m.

Today I noticed how swirly and unending my thoughts are. They start as a criss crossed line and they lip and lap and flip and flap all over the spirally bounded neurons and anxiously whirled, impatience laden pathways in my brain. Sometimes, I think so much that I can't think anymore and sometimes I can't think anymore than when I'm feeling every small bit of energy has evaporated from my fingertips. I can't think. I can't write. I've also become the green eyed monster who's envious of a person who's very close to me, his relationships with other people that I think it's my right to hedge around and heckle with him and make him feel bad about it. I noticed that last night. Even when he was being there for me as I was having a panic attack and a mental breakdown simultaneously, about me not feeling safe enough inside my own home, even atop that, I had the nerve to think that he was being unfaithful to something that was ours. He still had the nerve to care about his young sister who has been having a bad day. He's soft enough to buy his mom kitchen gloves because she burnt her wrist while cooking but when he won't even get me a planner I knew he knew how crazy I was about. How soft a person can be and so hard to just punish you, even after knowing what your love language is, and how can you feel loved. "I won't do a thing if you think I won't do it. I'll just do everything to prove you right," he said over the phone.

I loved and hated him so hard in that same moment. My mind wandered to if I'm in a toxic relationship. Or if the person who's full of toxicity and bringing that to my relationship is me?

I sometimes wonder really hard about that. When did I become this selfish, self adorning, infuriating monster to my close ones?