Behind Classroom Doors II (Student/Teacher)

CLVIII- It's Too Soon

I stand up and walk over by the couch, needing some kind of distance between us. When I get too close to home, I don't think straight. Neither of us do. "So what are you going to do?" It's rhetorical, but I still ask.

"There's nothing I can do, I'm his guardian." Shawn almost seems pleased with the news. Though this isn't surprising, I've always wanted a family.

I shake my head, "That's not true. You could talk to her parents, or a lawyer, you have options." Reminding him of other options almost seems futile. I see that look on his face. The look that reminds me how good of a person he is. Unfortunately, it also reminds me that I'm not like him.

"Livia, he's an orphan." He deadpans. "I can't just leave him, especially with the people that made Kat the way she was." Shawn's right, her problems seem to have stemmed from her upbringing. Parents who threw money at their child's problems. Parents who were absent emotionally just as much as physically.

I can't focus on that right now, or he'll convince me to go along with this. If I do that, then I'll regret it. I'll regret everything. "Shawn, you can be upset about this as much as you want. I won't care if you grieve but you don't owe her this." He's always made sure that she was okay. Even when Shawn didn't have to, he always helped her.

He takes a deep breath, "I know." There's an ounce of hesitation in his voice. As if he has to process these last ten minutes. "I can't believe she's actually gone. I thought I-"

When he cuts himself off, I go up to him and wrap my arms around his neck. I never knew Katherine on a personal level. In fact, we never really got along. But he knew her, and this is important to him. "I'm sorry." I whisper to him. He hugs me back, I feel his arms squeeze me as if to say he'd never let me go.

The feeling of him is painful. Mostly because I know that if he wants to take Matthew, I don't think I can stay.

We slowly pull apart. Dread for what's to come creeps up inside of me. "You don't have to make a decision about this tonight." I remind him selfishly.

He shakes his head and says what I feared he might say, "I've already made my decision, Livia."

Less than an hour ago we were throwing things and smashing computers. We were so close to moving on. "What?" I retort as I take a single step back.

"We can talk about all of the reasons I want you to stay here with me. But I've already made up my mind." I've never seen him so sure about anything, like nothing I say will change anything. Because it won't. I remind myself.

Not for the lack of trying. "Shawn, we just lost our baby. Don't you think it's too soon?" The thought of taking a baby in...I can't even picture it.

"No one else wants him. I know how that feels." I take a second. He's projecting his childhood and using that to make this decision.

I talk with my hands, lifting them and lowering them. "You went through hell, I get that but-" My arms drop to my sides.

"No offense, but you don't." He snaps.

We stare at each other, two feet apart and metaphorically worlds apart. I don't know what to say anymore, so I turn around and walk up to the bedroom. Closing the door behind me, I begin to change into my bed clothes. Shawn walks in after a minute, right as I finish changing. "I'm sorry." he apologizes, leaning with his arms crossed in the door frame. "You're right, we should talk about this." Now that he's offended me he's read to talk, I think to myself.

I meet his eyes and scramble for what I'm going to say next. "How do you honestly think this is going to play out?" I ask and then continue, "I was never ready to be a mother." That's it, that's my argument. I can't get over my unborn baby's death and he can. He can move on to a child he briefly thought was his own. Which reminds me, he's been prepared for this since he found out Katherine was pregnant. Was this two years in the making? "I don't want to shoot down your chance at being the great father I know you'll be."

"I'm sensing a but." He correctly assumes.

"But...I can't do it with you." I won't pretend that nothing happened and be a parent. I'm only nineteen, and I've been through enough. We both have. "It's just too soon." Doesn't he understand that? Doesn't a small part of him realize why I can't?

Shawn takes a step inside. He looks at me pointedly, but I can't gage his emotions. "I know." Is all he offers me.

It's my turn to respond, "If I was still pregnant, would you want to take Matthew in?" This was going to happen to Katherine regardless of what happened to me.

Shawn scoffs, "Come on Livia, that's not fair."
"Why not?" I counter.

"Because you're not pregnant."

I groan, "That doesn't matter, answer the question."

"I don't know!" He almost yells in frustration. It matters. If he wouldn't have taken Matthew in if I was pregnant, then it's because he already got the family he wanted. If he would've, then it's because he really believes it's what's best. I could live with that, knowing he would do the "right thing" anyway. "Yes." He decides calmly. "I'd still want to take him in."

"That's it then." He's already made up his mind and so have I. We stand together in silence. I know what he's wondering, I'm wondering it too. What does this mean for us? The worst part...we already know the answer.

When I wake up in the morning, Shawn isn't in bed next to me. I crawl out of the comfortable bed and find a smaller blanket to wrap around myself. I walk downstairs next, only to find an empty kitchen. The clock in the living room tells me it's still early. Way too early for Shawn to have left for work.

I continue my search and spot a light coming from underneath his office door. I go up to it and knock twice. Shawn tells me to come inside. I open the door and notice Shawn at his desk, looking through his emails and some paperwork. He glances up at me and chuckles softly. "Are you cold?"

I nod and point to what he's working on. "What's going on?"

Shawn follows my gaze to the computer and says, "I emailed Nichole Turner and had her fax over the papers that I need to look over." I never even realized he had a fax machine in here. "I couldn't stop thinking about Matthew, or Katherine for that matter." I see that he's grieving, but I'm afraid he's done acting rationally.

I stay silent, unsure of what to say in a situation like this. All of the soap box television never prepared me for this. Neither did my parents. Truthfully, I feel a little lost. I won't belong with Shawn and Matthew. Not this soon after what happened.

"Hey," Shawn grabs my attention, simultaneously pulling me out of my dramatic thoughts. "How are you feeling about all of this?" I watch as he treads carefully. "I know we haven't had a chance to discuss this, but I would like for you to stay. You don't have to help me raise Matthew, but I don't want to give up on us."

"How do you think that would play out? I can't just ignore that he's there. Once Matthew is here, everything will change." I brush my hair back and sigh, "Look, I don't want to be insensitive. I don't want to tell you not to do this just because I can't." I wasn't ready for my own pregnancy, but once I decided to have the baby I knew my life would never be the same. Then I lost it, and I experienced what it was like to feel as helpless as I do now. I don't want to go through that, not until I'm ready.

Shawn wants a family, with the white picket fence, and the normal life. At this point, we're on two different levels. By now Shawn has an answer for what I had asked. He looks up at me with confidence and understanding. "You're right."

I walk in and grab a chair to sit beside him. Once we're close enough, I reach out and grab his hand. We're both going through the ringer, if the rage room taught us anything it's that. I'm not going to be mad or upset anymore because he's dealing too. Our ways just differ.

The sun comes up and peaks through the curtain. It dawns on us both what we have to do. I stand up and let go of his hand. "I should get ready for school." I say.

"Yeah." He agrees. "I'm going to finish this last bit and I'll get ready."

"Okay." Before I leave, I tell him I love him. I think we both know where we're headed. I don't care because I'll always love him, no matter what.