January 17, 2020-January 18,2020
AM to PM
YALL!
Tell me why.....
TELLLL me whyyyyyyy
TELLLL ME WHYYYYYYY
Someone had the nerve to call me toxic..
and I had the nerve to believe it.
It's not a great.. scratch that.. it's not a good feeling at all to feel like you are what they say you are.
You have what you think.
You have what you say.
You have what you believe.
So why do I allow myself to have two parts of me?
The side where my past constantly tries and fights to hold me back. Reminding me of the failures. Reminding me of the heartache. Reminding me that I have no control of what comes my way yet i should try to control it anyway.
I feel like I'm constantly fighting against myself.
But then there's another side.
There's a side to me that wants love like I want to breathe. A side that's selfless with no limits. A side that craves justice and peace. There is a beautiful side of me.
The problem is the side that I feed the most takes center stage..
and currently that side is the side full of pain.
The side full of pain, regret, envy, jealousy, harmfulness, self-sabotaging. There is a side within myself that is toxic very very toxic and for some reason that side is on full display.
I've literally spent hours praying to receive love. I've spent time praying for God to take away the pain. I've done all of these things just to realize that I was the only one holding onto the pain. Toxic.
But I don't want to be this person anymore. I honestly don't remember when I became this way. I just want happiness, joy, and honestly to fly away to a better day.
But I know I must endure and walk through it in order to be changed by these experiences in a better way.
I just question:
How long this route will take?
Do i have the courage to take the first step?
Will there be help along the way?
I know that pursuing this route is beneficial. I know that it's something that I need and crave. It's just that I have to be the one to make the decision to become a better me. No one can do it for me. For me, that's the hardest part of it all. Is that, yes, it was hard to experience all the pain but I chose to allow it to change me in a negative way, so now I have to choose to let go of it all and rise up in order to see a better day and a better way!
I can do it.
I just have to remember that this too shall pass.
YOU ARE READING
Moving Forward
Non-Fiction"Every day, there's seems to be another flashback, another memory, another mistake replaying in my head to remind me of all that I do wrong I've done. It seems so easy for me to forgive others but how do I forgive myself? I need guidance from the Lo...
