Torn By Life

Journal entry 1

"I don't want anyone to know me.
I don't want anyone to see me.
I want to be seen and laugh and play.
But things just never go my way."

That is the chant that is constantly in my head. You know it fits with that emotion. The one where you want to cry, your angry with no emotion, and just want to disappear?? Yeah I started feeling that for no reason....well that's what I would usually say. I think I know why this time though.

I have a best friend. Bi, gay, she switches. But lately my straight self started to want to date her. But i cant, well I can, but I would be disowned and going into college and being disowned is pretty sucky. Anyway I introduced her to a new friend of mine. Recently meet within the past 5 months. Though I feel like they are becoming better friends. Your probably like, why do I care?

Plan fact: You don't. You just have nothing better to do with you life at the moment.

Anyway I have a long history of not being able to keep a friend and now I feel like she is slipping away. Its so hard to bare and I don't mean it but I'm starting to cut her off in the worst way possible.

Getting angry.

I know its not okay, but as a socially akward person what else am I suppose to do? Seriously: if you have any better suggestions im all eyes.

She hanging out with her more and more and I just......it doesn't help I'm dating a jester who is hated by my best friend now. I am trying so hard to stay afloat. Maybe its all in my head. It is right???? ...........right?