Thoughts are spinning in my head. My feelings are more confusing than ever. What the fuck is happening inside of me. I cannot wrap my mind around these feelings. Hyper, lonely, sad, restless. Ups and downs come and go. As if there is an ocean inside of me waiting for a tsunami. I haven't written something for myself in ages. Keeping a diary or even just fanfics is difficult if every thought that you write down, slips away before it hits the paper. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. I feel alive yet dead inside. A paradox of conflicting feelings and the realisation only happened after another day full of doubting myself, when the flow finally hit in. Writing can be an escape or can ground you. For me, it depends on the day, but it has been centuries since words came out as easy as they do today. Afraid that if I stop, they won't come back. Lost in the labyrinth that is my mind.
Just flipping the page is hard. I do not want to give up on this feeling. Finally, clarity. And as soon as you feel clarity, it stops. The words stop. The feelings stop. Hell, even my mind was blank. Which is a miracle on its own. I cannot remember if my mind has ever been blank. And now it has happened 3 times already in the past hour. The words stop, my heart drops. The flow is over and I am left all alone in my room. Is this supposed to make me feel better? I call bullshit. My feelings are back on track of this rollercoaster and my moment of clarity is gone. Maybe I will see it once upon a dream. However, I am not counting on it. Things are never crystal clear. There is always static or fog or just a really big crack in the screen. Nothing is ever for forever and these clichés are stupid to write, but feel true.
So, what is next?
Have I finally found my mindfulness or is my mind playing tricks on me? No one wants to read this and yet it feels like I should shout it from the rooftops. Here I am. A fucked up 21-year-old that feels like a fraud, that she doesn't deserve love even though at the same time she craves it more than life itself. Feeling confused, loveless and lonely. Just like a million others. We all suffer, we all feel alone and act like nothing is wrong. But boy, things are so wrong.
An open book if you ask the right questions, but my true feelings are hidden even for myself. Being honest on paper seems easier. No stress. Well... That is where you are wrong. It feels like I am talking gibberish, so I do not know how to continue.
It is hard. Facing you honest, heart-breaking thoughts that try to shout you down, when you are finally regaining some confidence. Maybe even that is for the best. The flow is gone. The words have left me. And I... am just an empty shell that is left behind.
YOU ARE READING
Short stories in English
Short StoryThese stories are about my feelings and a way of dealing with them. I wanted to share them to show others they are not alone in their battles. It is also a new writting style for me and just having fun and experimenting. Let me know what you think.
