I'm fine

1

3 years ago
Violet's POV
I walked into class thinking it'd be a great day, Jorden, my forever crush had told me he liked me and we'd been dating for a couple weeks now, so naturally I was happy and excited.

Also yes I was young and stupid this was 4th grade soo ya know all the holding hands is basically kissing stuff and also "dating" meaning we played together at recces

I.
Was.
So.
Fucking .
Wrong.

My teacher walked into the room looking tearfaced and holding back tears,
"Look at Ms. Rosey" I whispered at my best friend, Mads,
"She's been crying" Mads looked up at our teacher,
"You're over reacting, shes fine it's probably just 'that time off the month'" She made quotation marks in the air with her fingers, I sighed and believed her, although I couldn't help but look at Ms. Rosey again, and that's when I noticed she was trying to hold back tears again and failing, tears leaked out and I made up my mind and walked over,
"Ms. Rosey?" I asked hesitantly, "Are you okay?" she just looked at me,
"Go sit down in the circle, I'll explain soon" I did as she said and when the whole class was in the circle, she sat down on the floor with us,
"Some of you may have noticed Jorden isn't here today" I looked around and realized she was right, Ms. Rosey took a deep breath and looked at the class, "Jorden got into a car crash, his mom's car was hit by a drunk driver-" Ms. Rosey kept talking but I zoned out and reality hit, my best friend and "boyfriend" was gone, forever,
"It's for the best, you don't deserve to be happy" I thought to myself
"this is all your fault"
"screw up"
"you don't deserve anything"
Thoughts clouded my eyes and before I knew it, I leaned back against the wall I was sitting in front of and all I could think was,
"it's your fault"
In the distance I could vaguely hear my teacher still explaining, sniffs, sobs, but I didn't cry, I didn't talk to the therapist offered, and at that moment, I put my walls up and they will never come down.

When I went home my parents asked how school was and I replied with 'it was fine' they know nothing about my life and that's how I liked it, they didn't know he was my best friend, they didn't know I confessed my love for him and he did the same to me.

A couple weeks later when his funeral was in the paper, they asked me about it and I lied saying he wasn't in my class and I didn't know him.

The funeral

I walked into the church with my parents and say down by my friends, "are you going to sit here Vi?" my dad asked, I cringed Jorden used to call me Vi,
" Yeah and dad don't call me Vi" I shut them out after that and in the following years they still know nothing. My friends walked up to look at him in his coffin, but I couldn't bring myself to and I regret that decision so much, I wish I would have looked at his bright green eyes once more.

On the car ride home, my mom was crying and I hated her so much because she knew nothing about him, to her he was an 11 year old boy who died, but to me he was my everything and anything. I went to my room as soon as we got home and locked the door,
"IT'S YOUR FAULT"
"WHY ARE YOU ALIVE AND HE ISNT"
"HE DESERVES TO BE ALIVE, YOU DONT"
My head was spinning and a voice inside me said,
"pain will make it feel better"
I grabbed a razor and cut my wrists fast and deep, over and over again.

And that's when I grew up.