Outside of Our Universe

Chapter 24

I shut my bedroom door behind me. This room, once my sanctuary, now feels empty and hollow. My real sanctuary is miles away, far from where I am now.

The thought tugs at my mind again: will I ever get to go back to Nathan ever again?

I look out the window. Ms. Worshire is already out in the garden with her big sun hat on, protecting her face. She carries a giant shovel to the flower bed and starts to dig. I close the blinds, shielding myself from her and everything else.

I mindlessly take out an astrophysics book from my drawer and open it, peeling back the covers to reveal the plethora of words and equations inside. Gμv = 8πG(Tμv - PDEGμv). Einstein's Field Equation of General Relativity. The letters and numbers bounce around in my brain.

I remember Nathan's scribbled handwriting all over the whiteboards of his lab. I remember how he explained everything to me so patiently.

"Gμv is the law of the expanding universe," the book reads.

"Then (Tμv - PDEGμv) represents the matter and energy content of spacetime," I say aloud. I stare at the book.

"It represents everything in the universe." My eyes are on the book, but they are no longer reading the words.

"The expression on the left represents the curvature of space-time as determined by the metric. The expression on the right represents the matter and energy content of spacetime. The EFE can then be interpreted as a set of equations dictating how matter and energy determine the curvature of spacetime. These equations, together with the geodesic equation, which dictates how freely-falling matter moves through space-time, form the core of the mathematical formulation of general relativity."

I hear Nathan's words repeated in my head, over and over again.

"A friend is someone who you enjoy spending a lot of time with. A friend is someone who you trust, someone who understands you."

Was Nathan my friend?

I then remember Nathan's answer.

"I sure hope so."

This reminds me of what Mother said to me when I was small.

"Friendship is not just something one-sided. A friendship is something shared between two people. In order for friendship to happen, both parties have to be open to each other. Both parties have to agree on being friends, if you understand what I mean. See, Nova, I want to be your friend. I'm your mother, so of course I want to be your friend... but in order for us to be friends, you need to start accepting me in your life. Just trust me, Nova, please. I know it's hard, but I can try to help you."

Nathan's words echo in my head.

"I sure hope so."

Was Nathan my friend?

Was my mother my friend?

Was anyone ever my friend?

Suddenly, I hear Nathan's voice in my head.

"Do you miss her?"

A tear starts to form in my eye.

"Nova, I know how hard things are for you. Things are hard for me too, and there's not a lot we can do about it sometimes. But I just want you to know that I love you. I will always be here for you no matter what. I'll always be here for you."

Mother smelled like lavender when she hugged me. She always wore a silver charm bracelet, even when she slept. She was the one who talked to me when I didn't want to say anything. She was the one who listened to me when I needed her to. She was the one who bandaged my wounds and tucked me into bed at night.

"Do you miss her?"

When Mother died, there was no one to listen to me, no one to help me through my sorrows and pain, no one to tell me bedtime stories, no one to sing to me, no one to understand me...

I look to my neatly made bed. On it sits Bundles, the fluffy white furred rabbit with long soft ears.

"Mommy!" I yelled.

Mother opened the door and walked into the bedroom slowly. "Nova? I've only been gone for a minute. What's wrong, dear?"

"Don't go," I said stubbornly.

"Nova..."

"Don't go. No."

Mother sighed. "Nova, I need to sleep too, you know."

"No!"

"Nova," Mother said to me. "I know you'll miss me when I'm gone, but I can't always be right beside you, okay?"

"Mommy..."

Mother suddenly walked out of the room.

"Mommy!" I screamed again at the top of my lungs.

Mother set foot back into the room, her hands behind her back.

"Calm down, Nova," she told me quietly. Mother took her hands out from behind her back and held out an old stuffed rabbit.

"This is Bundles," she told me. "Bundles has been my stuffed animal since I was around your age. I slept with him every night." I looked at Bundles curiously. Mother set Bundles down beside me.

"Bundles is yours now. Bundles can be your guardian, just as he was mine. He will be here for you to remind you that I am always with you, even if I can't be right next to you."

I nodded and smiled, holding Bundles up to my chest tightly.

Mother smiled back.

"Goodnight, Nova," she said, closing the door.

"Goodnight."

I look back to my book.

"Do you miss her?"

I think about life without Mother, without someone to hold me and to help me, without someone to understand me and talk to me. I think about life without Mother. Mother was my caretaker, my guardian, my friend.

I now have an answer for Nathan.

"I do."