Decadence Hackneyed

E: Returning of Lily

Who technically never left but this was at the time that I didn't talk to her even though we are currently not talking right now anways. Again, I didn't read this. I'll read it later. 

1. 4. 2014 

  The last thought on my mind last night was Lily. She appeared in my dream the next moment while I was unconscious. I had a dream, of going to a high school/ elementary. I don’t go to one of those but she visited der the transfer papers somehow. I don’t know but I saw. We were sitting a circle of our friends. I don’t remember which one spoke to her the most but I do they everyone was trying to get s to sit together. I was like. What ever and she avoided it. . Later, I couldn’t take it anymore. Apparently, this happened often. When she visited shed sit away from me but this time I walked off and she didn’t follow. Sometimes she did. This time she didn’t. The feeling was something that I’ve wanted to feel in a while. I do feel relaxed but I also feel angered. In the dream I wanted to get away from here and the moment I did that’s all I could remember. Is getting away from her and her not her not coming after me.

  By god I wonder what shed think of me as a smoker? I don’t do it that much because I’m in no rush to die but I can feel it killing me. It’s what I wanted. I wanted to die slowly and I’m in pain but that’s okay because that’s what I wanted.

  It’s seven in the morning. I don’t usually wake up till. Eight. Great.

  The funny thing about this is that I know her number by memory and because of that I can call her any time I want. I wonder if she deleted my number and I wonder what my name was? She wouldn’t tell me. It would have been fine if she left it as Danny ir Dj but obviously it wasn’t that. ‘

  We’re both very loyal people. As a ram I can butt heads all day but with her I finally got tired and laid down. As a scorpion? She stings. And I can still feel it. I hate how much I care for her but this time through my writing and my friends I will live through not talking to her for another year. She only haunts me at night when I think the most. It was just a thought last night before I fell asleep. I know she’s thought of me once or twice.

  Crap. Why can I not let go of her? I’m being rational because I lost her. But I’m insane enough to keep pushing her away. I know I love her. She doesn’t want to return the favor. Ben hurt her and I hate him will all passion possible but even if I were to blame. I want to help her. I want our fates to intertwine again. I want her to be mine again.

  *sigh* what am I kidding? I have so much ahead of me and I’ve already sold my soul. I’ve never been committed to anyone like I’ve been committed to her. I knew what I was supposed to do at an early age and now I don’t want to let my heart break apart like it did for her. I still have a part of her inside my heart. She will always have a place in there and sadly I want to find away to get rid of it.

  What sucks the most is that I want to throw away the people closest to me. All because if I can’t have her I feel like I don’t need anyone else. It’s funny. I don’ want to teal with it anymore. Put away my emotions in a box. I’ll never love someone like I loved Lily firstly because that’s dangerous and secondly because I hate myself for loving her in the first place. I want to let go of her. Part of me doesn’t the other part wishes. The problem is. I don’t want to let go. Even if it’s only a section of my heart. I still don’t want to let go and that’s why I haven’t. .