I survived

the room chapter 1

"I've been having some thoughts,..bad ones." I say as I look down at my counselers floor. She grabs my hand and with a concerned face looks at me, I could see the worry in her tired pale blue eyes,"Chloe, what do you mean by, bad?" tears swelled in my eyes as she said those words, I tried speaking but what came out was only a croak of my voice. ,"Do you mean suicide?" she said in that sweet, tender voice she had always spoke in, but now all I heard was the hard, painful truth. The truth I had  been pushing away for 2 years, the truth that pushed others from me. It got silent , I waited for her to speak up but she never did, still I waited, no response. It stayed this way for about 5 minutes so naturally I decided to speak up after what it seemed like years of terrifying, dark, silence,"yes, well I mean no, but also yes. I don't know" I stopped before it got complicated. I saw her write down something on her clipboard but I wasn't able to see it. I bit my lip out of nervousness, I felt sweat starting to form. what was she writing? she stared at me for a breif moment and went back to the clipboard, I watched and waited until she was completely done writing, she took a great big sigh then spoke out.,"Chloe, it's, ok to feel this way as long as your not really trying to do it" I looked at her, confused, what did she mean?," you know cutting or trying to kill yourself." she paused, why did she pause? I was so scared, what if I told her whats been going on and she didnt care. what if she left me alone, like the whole world did, cold, sad, lonely. I knew she could tell that I was scared, It was written all over my face. I looked at myself in her little mirror on the wall, I was as pale as moonlight and my eyes were beet red and watery. "I'm sorry." I start to rub the water out of my eyes, she starts to grab for a tissue box. "Its ok Chloe. just tell me whats going on." I look at her as she hands me the box. It took so much out of me to agree that i was suicidal, agree that I needed help. Whenever I finally told her everything it hurt so much. I told her about my dad abusing me, the bullies, and how hard it was to get up in the morning, how I've missed so many days because I'm so tired every morning and I always miss the bus, told her about my moms abusive manner on alcohol and how she used to back me into a corner and make me feel worthless. She took her hand off of mind and said she had understood what I was going through and how we were going to fix this. I didnt care though, I was so mad, how could she?!, hear my pain, sadness, and anger, and just say ," were gonna get through this." I was supposed to feel special in her room. That was supposed to be the place where no one could judge me, But then I remembered that it wasn't, and she was getting paid to sit and listen to my stories and pat me on the back and say that it was Ok. Well it wasn't, I stood up and got ready to burst out the door ," nevermind I'll just go" I walked away from my chair and put my hand on the door knob," It's not important,... I'm not important." I opened the door just to be pulled back by her. She turned me around and hugged me, not like anyone else, not like that one aunt from a party who hugs you so tight you tough your eyes were gonna pop out of there sockets, but she hugged me, I never wanted it to end, The care and love she showed me was like no body before. I fell to the floor and talked to her until I could properly stand up straight without her having to help me. At that moment, so quick and breif, I can barley remember it but it went by so fast, every secret I had held in for years just, gone. I fixed my hair and calmed down thats when I heard her say.," were going on lightning strike."