Raphael's Heart (2nd book)

7

4/10/2020

*A/n*

Play the link from SoundCloud that'll show up as you're reading if you really want to set the mood. I recommend playing it on repeat.

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Breaking the kiss, you revel in the way it felt. It felt so familiar and so warm with newfound emotions placed inside that it left you speechless. As your heart beckons you for more, you move towards the source that provided you with warmth and familiarity and fulfill your heart's desire.

Raph places his hands on either side of your waist and pulls you down until you're forced to straddle his lap - both of your legs on either side of his crossed legs. You hold onto his forearms for support and moments later the both of you break apart to breathe. His hands flit under your shirt and rub along your waist. You rest your forehead on his, and everything that was so wrong had suddenly turned right.

"I need you, (Y/n)." Raph whispers.

At his statement, your heart drops to the bottom of your stomach, and the tears that sprung from your eyes earlier come back with more force. You're confused and scared. You're not sure what it is exactly your heart wants, and you don't like it.

"I-I don't know, Raph. I don't know what to do!" You whisper, but with the same amount of brokenness Raph possesses.

You watch as Raph's eyes move erratically with every fleeting thought that passes through his head, and there's conflict in present within him that you can see as clear as day. With his head bowed, he responds, "Just, j-just break up with him, then!"

"It's not that simple. I still have feelings for Jackson. He's... he's still my boyfriend." You say tentatively. Guilt is basically dripping from your lips as you speak. You're so uncertain about so much.

Raph sucks his teeth and attempts to push you off him, not roughly but enough for you to understand that he wants you away from him. At the motion, you begin to panic, you're not exactly sure why, but you don't want him pushing you away from him. You want to be near him. "R-Raph?" You look at him with trembling lips and an expression of confusion and hurt.

"What? You have a boyfriend, remember?" Raph grits out.

Thinking about what he said earlier, you realize that even though he may want you back, he's not mentally and emotionally stable for a relationship.  He's obviously deep in depression, and you want to help before you do anything else.You scoot closer to him while on his lap until your chest is pressed against his, and you tuck your face into the crook of his neck while wrapping your arms around it. "Raph? I - I don't think I could ever keep you out of my life; it's too hard, but even if I.... even if I were to date you.... you're not ok." You admit.

Ralph tenses under you, but seems to relax in defeat soon after he realizes that he can't deny your statement. "I know." He sighs. "But you can make me feel better - you always do." He crushingly embraces you - almost uncomfortably - but you can't bring yourself to care.

A dour giggle leaves your lips in response to what he says. With your face still pressed against his neck, you say, "I know Raph, but you need to be happy with yourself first. You need to love yourself first, and that's something you need to do on your own with a little bit of help from me. Besides," you mention, "I also have some stuff to figure out as well."

"Loving yourself's pretty hard when you're a piece of shit." Raph acknowledges.

You huff and pull away from his neck to look at him properly. The bags under his eyes are prominent and his face looks so pale with fatigue. He stares at you so intently it makes your heart race, but you take a deep breath and speak, "You're definitely not a piece of shit. Yes, you've made some mistakes, but who hasn't? All you need to do now is learn from them and forgive yourself. Let's try and start with that." You advise.