Therapeutical

𝗜 · Oʙᴜᴘ

𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧
/dɛsəˈleɪʃ(ə)n/

great unhappiness or loneliness

· —————— · 𖥸 · —————— ·

Ljubljana, Slovenia – September 2018

KSENIJA

Life. The most unfair of it all.

It often made me wonder... Were we born only to pay bills and struggle in every aspect of it? Was there ever more to it than bleakness of endless void? Did we get a shot at genuine happiness only to meet with heartbreak and disappointment all over again? Were some of us deemed unworthy of ever feeling anything other than numbing sadness and heartache at all?

Too many questions with too few answers...

Sometimes, I felt as if I were cursed instead of blessed when baptised. Nothing had ever gone right in my life. Nothing.

What had I done to deserve depression as my only consistent company? It was what I always found myself collapsing towards when everything and everyone else dissipated, and I was tired. I was fed up. I was tired and fed up with everything life ever threw at my face. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I was breaking, losing it all with each passing second. My breaths were shallow. My knees numb. My heart shattered. My mind possessed. And, worst of all... I was losing myself.

I was alone, there, on the cold, hard floor, practically choking on my own bitter tears. Nobody out there to hold my fractured pieces together. Nobody out there to give me a hand to help pull me out of that destructive cycle. Nobody out there to be my rock, my anchor. I was alone, just like I'd always meant to be, in complete despair.

All it took was a few too many of those shiny little pills to end it all. Going through the motion still unsettled me in case of failure, but I was ready. I was prepared to put an end to everything.

I'm ready.

Still focused on the small pill container wrapped in my palms, breathing heavily, I was suddenly pulled from my trance by a soft knock on the bathroom door, followed by my elder sister's delicate tune. "Ksenija, are you in there?"

I froze. I couldn't bear her walking in on me like that; hence I inhaled deeply and coaxed myself to finally reach for the lid and twist it open.

"Ksenija? Answer me!" Manja exclaimed.

With shaky hands, I struggled to open the damned container.

Alas, all was cut short as she warned: "I'm coming in there whether you want me to or not," before pushing the door wide open, making my ill heart skip a beat.

It didn't take a full second before she realised what I'd intended upon catching my sight. Shock painted her delicate features, then she sprinted towards me, forcefully tugging the container from my grip.

"What on Earth do you think you're doing?!" she shrieked frustratingly.

I stood from the floor, my mind subconsciously encasing me in the walls I'd built over the years. "Hey, give it back!"

"Ksenija, are you kidding me?! What is the meaning of this, have you completely lost it?!"

I was a mess of emotions, and she was only pushing me further to the edge. I failed to contain myself from provoking: "Stop yelling at me! Just give it back!"