Dear Depression

fine

"fine"
You tell me
after i lied
but it was an accident
i didn't mean to lie

"fine"
is what you say
when you're mad at me
even though you say you're not
i know better

"fine"
feels like a bullet through my heart
it turns my anxiety on, and i ask myself
why did I have to accidentally lie
why do i ruin every friendship i have

"fine"
rips my heart and brain to shreds
as i try to think of how to fix the pain i caused you
when four letters caused me more pain
than anything i said to you

"fine"
my anxiety won't stop
i usually rely on you during my panic attacks
but i can't anymore because i'm embarrassed

"fine"
please at least tell me you'll stay friends with me by morning
i don't know what my anxiety will say if you stop talking to me

"fine"
i can't sleep tonight and i know i won't sleep for weeks
even if you forgive me my anxiety will tell me you're lying
but that's beyond either of our control

"fine"
feels like a gravitational pull towards the planet anxiety
that i can not escape thanks to some old guy named Newton
who people say invented gravity

"fine"
I can not take the weight of those four letters
the trauma that hides behind it is only making me worse;

"fine"
is what i would hear before he hit me
but you would't know that because you never cared enough to ask

"fine"
are we really friends in the first place
if you dont care enough to ask what ive been through
or understand that

"fine"
has the same pain attached to it as a hundred needles tearing up my heart and brain
or the equivalence of you hearing "mhmm"

"fine"
is not fine
it's a million bees stinging my every cell in my body
i can not live with hearing

"fine"
i can not think after hearing

"fine"
i don't want to live with my anxiety after hearing

"fine"