fear of fears // gawsten

!chapter four!

[awsten's pov] - slight trigger warning

i started to squirm in the seat i was strapped down to, trying to get away from the doctors that were getting way too close to me. they were trying to force-feed me mashed potatoes.

"those expand in your stomach, get away from me!" i slammed my head against the back of the seat repeatedly until they stopped me by holding my head still.

"let me go! now!"

"awsten, you need to calm down."

"where are my parents?"

"we got their permission."

"why won't you let me go?"

"we're helping you, awsten, just cooperate, okay?" i felt myself start to panic, i was breathing heavily and i felt like i was about to throw up.

"let go of me!!" i started to scream uncontrollably and almost directly after, another doctor came in with a shot that would put me to sleep.

"no, no, no, no!! get away from me, i-i-"

-and then i woke up. geoff was already awake and had just gotten out of the shower.

"you alright?"

"why?"

"you look like you just saw a ghost or something."

"oh, im fine," i nodded nervously.

"bad dream?" i nodded again and he sat down at the end of the bed, "wanna talk to me about it?"

"i was just reliving a bad memory."

"hm?"

"from high school."

"ohhh.. you've never told me anything about you in high school."

"i don- i don't really like talking about it, maybe later," i mumbled, pulling my blanket over my head. the blanket was quickly pulled back by geoff who was now staring down at me, frowning a little.

"why not now?"

"i don't wanna, its personal."

"so? ive shared a lot of my personal stuff with you."

"you did that willingly though, i seriously don't wanna talk about it."

"...if you don't tell me now, im gonna find out myself."

this is probably where a normal person would give in and tell the truth but not me, im getting out of this one.

"fine.." i quickly tried to think of a believable lie or a fact that isn't necessarily what i dreamt about. geoff leaned in closer to show that he was listening and i took a deep breath before blurting out whatever came to mind first, "i was a scene kid.. and its-its been.. haunting me lately..?"

geoff nodded a little, as if he understood. i felt my cheeks warm up, i was getting nervous again.

"thats not what you were really reliving was it-"

"-its not, i think i know what hes talking about!" otto shouted from the bathroom where he stood, combing his hair. the brunette jumped up and made a run for the bathroom.

"geoff, no!" i desperately clutched onto his shoulder and tried to pull him backward which made him stumble back, almost falling on the floor.

"don't be so dramatic." my lower lip started to quiver as i continued to tug on geoff.

"please, no!"

"just tell me the truth."

"fine. i was a...—."

"pardon?"

"i was ....."

"you were what?"

"anorexic. i was anorexic, geoff." i fell back onto the bed and pulled the covers over my face.

"when?" i felt him sit down beside me.

"high school. then sometime when i was twenty one. lasted until i was twenty ...-ish."

"twenty one? how did i not know about this?"

"well it's not really something that i tell people."

"i get that but how couldn't i tell? i feel like shit for not noticing because now that i think about it, i do see it."

"well, you probably didn't notice because i was a god at hiding it. baggy clothes, bitch."

"oh, that scares me," he paused to look at what i was wearing — a baggy blue sweatshirt and grey joggers.

"nonono, i'm not anorexic anymore, stop, stop, stop," i interrupted. geoff simply nodded, understandingly. "you can't tell anyone, okay?"

"yeah, sure i guess." he was skeptical.

[ i'll proofread this tomorrow, it's UGLY ]