Six the Genderbend Musical

Dialogue (Part 7)

Kristian Howard -
And then I was beheaded!

Cristian Parr -
Wow, that got pretty real just then.

Kristian Howard -
Yeah, I guess it did. So seeing as I had the worst time, and you know by the rules of the competition, I am now the main man of the boy band, give me a 10!

(The boys argue.)

John Seymour -
Yeah, you had it bad, but that was not the most heart wrenching song we've heard this evening.

Kristian Howard -
Um, excuse me, were you not listening to my song? There were four choruses, that's how much sh- I had to deal with.

Adam Boleyn -
Wow, yeah, being manipulated by women and paying the price, none of us could possibly imagine what that- oh wait, yeah, I did experience that.

Cristian of Aragon -
Yeah, for like that last five minutes of your marriage, Adam! Women had manipulated me from day one. I was literally shipped over from a foreign country, not knowing a single word of English, to marry some random chick.

Adam of Cleves -
Oh my God, same!

Cristian of Aragon -
Oh, okay. Fine, fine. But then, when Henri decided she had had enough of me, she didn't even have the decency to say goodbye!

Adam Boleyn -
Same!

Kristian Howard -
Oh yeah, same! Nice neck, by the way.

(Boleyn and Howard high-five)

Cristian of Aragon -
Ok, alright. Well now live up to this, when my one and only child had a raging fever, Henriette didn't even let me-his father!-see him.

John Seymour -
Oh, boo-hoo! Baby Marius had the chickenpox and you weren't there to hold his hand! You know, it's funny because when I wanted to hold my newborn daughter, I got sick and died!

Adam of Cleves -
Guys, I have the plague!

(The other kings show their concerns.)

Adam of Cleves -
Lol, just kidding, my life's amazing. But in defense of me, I was humiliated on an international scale.

Adam Boleyn -
Oh yeah, I can't imagine what that must have felt like! Who else could possibly relate?!

Cristian of Aragon -
Oh pipe down, Adam! You wanna talk about humiliation? Well when I was king, Henri had not one, not two, but three historically confirmed affairs.

Adam Boleyn -
Oh yeah, well I had not one, not two, but three deceased children!

Cristian of Aragon -
Oh, well you know what, Adam Bo-loser? I had five deceased children!

(The kings all argue. Cleves gets in the middle of Boleyn's and Aragon's conflict while Seymour pulls Howard's hair. Parr steps up on the stage with the band members and cuts the electricity cables to get the boys' attention.)

Cristian Parr -
Stop!

Adam of Cleves -
Stop.

Cristian Parr -
That's enough!

Kristian Howard -
Wait, what do you mean?

Cristian Parr -
I mean, I think we've had enough of this competition.

Cristian of Aragon -
Yeah. You know what, Kings? He's absolutely right.

Adam of Cleves -
Yeah.

Kristian Howard -
Yeah yeah yeah... It's time to decide who won!

(The other kings attempt to go back to arguing. Cristian Parr runs back down the steps of the stage.)

Cristian Parr -
No, no, no, stop, stop! I really don't think it's a good idea.

Adam Boleyn -
Literally, what are you on about, mate?

Cristian Parr -
Like... "Let's see what has the biggest cheer, being murdered by your wife or experiencing the trauma of losing a child." Are we really gonna do this?

John Seymour -
Um, I'm pretty sure we've been doing that for the last hour, so.

Cristian Parr -
But... deceased children. Come on, surely, that's one step too far.

Adam of Cleves -
Ooh, someone has a conscience all of a sudden.

(The boys, besides Parr, laugh.)

Kristian Howard -
Ooh, "I'm Cristian Parr, I draw lines in arbitrary places." Blah-blah!

Cristian of Aragon -
He just knows he's not gonna win.

John Seymour -
I'm sure he doesn't even have a story to tell.

Cristian Parr -
Yeah... you know what? I will tell you a story.

Adam of Cleves -
This will be good.

Cristian Parr -
Go on then, Kings, take a seat. Cheers, James.

(The other kings take a seat and James plays the melody of "I Don't Need Your Love.")

Cristian Parr -
So, Henriette and I actually have something in common. I've also had my fair share of marriages. Though, unlike Henri, I managed to get through three without decapitating anyone. I know, gold star for Cristian Parr. But they had this really annoying habit of passing away and so I was dealing with, you know, incapacitating grief. I also had to keep finding new wives to avoid being ostracized. Tudor manhood, all I've ever known.

And then one day, I finally meet this girl, Tanya. She seemed like she might stick around for a while. And you guessed it, she turned out to be the love of my life. We had this plan to get married, actually. But that's when Henri turned up, single and ready to make an unsuspecting man her husband. Just my luck. So that was that. I had to write a letter to Tanya, ending things. Dear Tanya...