Chicago Fire, "It's Our Time Now"

Carry On

It was 1 month to the day after shays death.
My first official day back to work at 51 after 3 weeks off.
Matt and I drove up to the firehouse, got out, and walked up together. I was hesitant to come back here. It felt wrong walking through those doors knowing shay wasnt on the other side waiting for me. But, I knew I was needed here. And I knew shay would have wanted me to come back. I was here for me, but mostly for her. Mostly because I knew how disappointed she would be if I instead went back home and crawled into bed.
Matt noticed my hesitation as we got closer to the entrance and scooped my hand into his. He squeezed it so tight, reassuring me without words. And he guided me through the doors. I wanted to bolt, or stop, or fall to the ground, but he held me up. And I clinged to him until we got to the common room doorway. As soon we got there, I let go. And immediately all eyes were on us. I think everyone was a little surprised to see me back so soon but after a moment of shock, they all happily greeted me. So excited that I had finally come back.
You see, they all returned to work after the funeral. I did orignially, for about a week. But then things got dark for awhile and I needed the extra time off. And Boden gladly gave it to me.
After being updated with all the drama from the last month, I found a moment where everyone was sidetracked and I slipped away. I found myself in the locker room. In front of shays locker. Her name scribbled on tape that still stuck in the same spot on her locker. With all of her things untouched and still thrown messily inside. Shay wasnt the organizing type. We always picked on her about it, and she always told us that organizing takes time, time that could be spent doing funner things. And then we'd pick on her and remind her funner isnt a word. And we'd all laugh.
As I sat there I found myself laughing quick. As if she were standing right in front of me and we were talking. But then I remembered she was gone, and a wave of sadness poured over me once again. I almost allowed myself to cry, but I couldnt. Not here. So I took a deep breath, stood up, and went to my locker. I grabbed for my work clothes and started to get changed. I slipped my shirt on, then my pants. But when it came time to button them, they were snug. After a few failing tries and a bit of sucking in, I managed to get them clasped. Then I slipped my shoes on and went to Bodens office. His face was burried in the pile of papers on his desk. I knocked and he looked up removing his glasses.
"Gabby, it's so good to see you. Come in."
I walked in and he stood up. "I wasnt expecting your return. How have you been? How are things?"
"Good. Things are good. Im glad to be back." I assured him.
He smiled, "That's good to hear. We've really missed you around here."
I smiled back, "and ive missed being here. Um.. I was wondering if I could put in an order for new pants? Mine are a little snug."
He sat back down and said, "Yes, of course. I can put that right in for you."
He opened a black book, took down my request and size and I thanked him. Just as I was about to leave his office he quickly stopped me.
"I just want you to know that my office doors are always open if you need anything."
I nodded and said, "Thanks chief, I appreciate it."

3 weeks earlier..

I sat on the couch in the common room watching some random show that had been playing for hours. Everyone sat around basking in the silence. No one knew what to say, no one had the right words. No one was even able to crack a joke. We were all just silent. The day before we burried shay, and today life went on.
The shift dragged. For one because there were no calls, but also because none of us were doing the things we usually did to occupy ourseleves in the downtime. We just sat there. Completely numb. I counted the minutes until my shift was over, until I could go home and reunite with my bed which was all I longed for. And that was, well.. too many minutes to count. I still had 5 whole hours left. Eventually, sitting in that room became too much so I got up and headed for the door. But just as I was about to leave the room some young guy came in. His duffle bag drawn across his chest and a perky smile across his face. Loudly he began asking, "Are you by any chance Gabriella Dawson?"
"Yes, thats me."
His smile got even bigger as he reached his hand out to me and said, "Hi, my name is Jason. Jason Burns. I'm the new paramedic on 51. Nice to meet you partner."
Everyone was looking at us. Mostly waiting to see my reaction, but also because they were feeling the same way I was, like they were trying to replace shay. And also a bit confused because where was Chout? My actual parenter. Reluctantly I shook his hand and walked away.
He confusingly said, "well.. it was nice to meet you."
He looked around at everyone else, probably waiting for some big welcome but everyone was pretty silent. A few hellos were given but nothing near the type of welcome we usually wouldve given to a newcomer. But Jason didnt seem to know the details of why he was transferred and no one felt like letting him in on it, nor did they feel like talking at all. So Jason took an open seat and I went to Bodens office. I stormed in and shut the door.
"Jason Burns." I said angrily.
He set down his pen and said, "Who?"
With more of an attitude I said " Jason Burns. The paramedic."
"Ahh, yes. He's here?" He said with question.
I responded, "Yes he's here. Why is he here?"
Boden sighed and said, "You're mad. I know. But it wasnt my decision. He was sent over by firehouse 81. I guess he's great. You guys will work good together."
Annoyed I said, "I have Chout. I'm fine with Chout."
Biden removed his glasses and said, "Look Gabby, we knew Chout wasnt permanent. He was only a fill in."
I was upset, and I wanted to scream. But I stayed as calm as possible and said, " But he could be. I know and trust him. Can't you fix this?"
He exhaled and said, "Gabby, Chout doesnt want to stay here permanently. He's a floater. He wasnt looking for a permanent position. He made that clear."
"So he's just gone?" I said with a crack in my voice.
"His last day was yesterday. He's already found a new placement. I'm sorry Gabby."
I walked out. On the verge of tears I exploded through the double doors and booked it for the exit. As I stormed past the common room everyone saw me. Matt got up from his seat and ran after me. By time he caught up I was already at my car door. He held it shut and tried to talk me into staying but nothing he couldve said in that moment wouldve changed the way I felt. And it wasnt because of Chout. I mean, it was. But it was more so about shay. I lost my best friend. My partner. And then I get Chout, and now he's gone too. I couldnt handle the loss. It was hitting me now, the first stage of grief. Here it was waiting for me to live in its mess. And thats exactly what I did. I got in the car, and I left.