Latverian Folktales

Zsofia My Whore

In the past there was a happy little village with a happy little whore, her name was Zsofia. She was a friendly, good whore, always willing to try new things and adventures. Everyone felt so good after visiting her, the village was truly blessed to have her.

One day Zsofia fell ill, and all the doctors and healers that came to visit her couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. The entire village was very sad, so sad that it burned when they peed, also in their souls.

They prayed for their beloved Zsofia, also their urinary tracts, but mostly Zsofia. One day a traveler passed through and asked why everyone was so sad. He learned that their village whore was very sick, and everyone was very tense. There were also strange bumps and other symptoms appearing on a few of them.

This wasn't any ordinary stranger however, it was Saint Michael the Archangel. He offered to attempt to heal Zsofia. He put on gloves and laid hands on her, and she was instantly cured! He did the same to everyone else in the village. He also sprayed them all down with Holy Water and blessed them all.

Then he disappeared, the old beggar woman was still blind because she was secretly Jewish though. They all joyously celebrated with their sex parts and set the neighboring village that they hated on fire. God did not like this, that was his job. He sent down Gabriel, with gloves, to tell them to cease such shenanigans. But before he addressed them in the village square an insolent chicken pooped on him and cackled.

This made him very angry, and he cursed the village. All the favorite children fell deathly ill.

"Not the cute ones!' Cried the villagers. Zsofia was very upset and in her grief didn't know what to do. She cried herself to sleep, alone, and was too tired to work. One night a Titmouse, the sluttiest of all Forest creatures came to her in a dream. It told her to kill and serve the chicken to the Priest, who would bless it, pray over it, and then give it to all the sick children.

Zsofia told the villagers of her dream and what the magic Titmouse had told her, they giggled, and agreed to help her find the chicken. But the chicken had heard of its imminent demise and had fled town.

The villagers began to frantically search for it, from house to house, village to village. They asked every chicken if they were the chicken, but they just bawked at them.

The chicken had taken refuge in the other village. In the chaos of rebuilding everything from scratch and burying all the bodies, it had been mistaken for the new priest and just gone along with it. It was a Bulgarian church.

"Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, BAWK! Bawk, bawk, bawk..." It was the best sermon they had ever heard- this priest had been sent to them by God. It bawked at baptisms, weddings, funerals, bawked the food, bawked at confession, the chicken did not chicken out when it came to its holy duties.

One day while it was officiating an impromptu but very romantic wedding, a man began to ask the congregation about their priest, where did this strange holy man come from? They explained how he had miraculously shown up. He congratulated the happy couple and left. Several moments later a large group of men who had been on a wild chicken chase ran in screaming, "CHOKE THAT CHICKEN!!!" Afraid for its life, the chicken began to run.

"Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, BAWK!"

"We have you chicken!" Cried the mob. "You must face your punishment!"

"Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk? Bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!" No one in the mob spoke chicken.

"Witchcraft!" They slew the chicken right there. They took it back to the village and presented it to the Archangel. Saint Michael was very pleased and ordered that it be served to the priest, and that the leftovers be distributed amongst all the villagers.

Excited at what little they would get for once, the villagers rejoiced. But it was not little, there was soup, roasted chicken, chicken feet, thighs everything chicken they could imagine!

In fact, they ate so much that they became sick of it. Chicken was banned- cabbage already was, but that is another story.