A Round Trip To Love

Chapter 14

Someone charged into the station.

" Give me a ticket to XX, the very next departure!" Gasping rapidly, he spoke in a hurried tone.

I raised my head in astonishment and saw a person bent over with his face pressing against the ticketing window.

" Do you want to get 10.40pm ticket?"

"40........" He spun his head around locating for the clock, but found me instead.

" No need."

Watching him stroll over, I tugged my legs back involuntarily.

" Why did you not head back, what are you doing sitting here?" He did not reveal much expressions.

" Not enough......... money." I felt an acute sense of distress.

Lu Feng's face turned cold: " You would rather sit here all night than to come back to look for me? You really see me as a criminal?!"

I swiftly picked up my bag and walked away, he grabbed on to my arm: " Where are you going?!"

" None of your concern!" I choked, " It's not as if you care about how I feel anyway.........."

The ticketing lady's curiosity was further piqued and she glanced over eagerly. Lu Feng kept a death grip on my wrist and half pushed half shoved me out of the station.

" Go back with me!"

" No!"

He gritted his teeth and stared: " Are you going or not going back?"

" I'm not going back!" Everything that I have kept bottled up all night was threatening to spill over. I thrust at him blindly, " Get lost, go! You bastard, all your talks of love are all bullshit, you only care about yourself...... never sparing a thought for me! You cannot even be bothered to ask me how I feel. That's right, I am unwilling, why should I for no reason become a gay? I am a normal man why should I get fucked? If it isn't because I like you, why would I degrade myself..... why do I have to..... become..... a freak......."

There were no passerby. In the empty streets, I yelled unreservedly.

He..... simply cannot imagine how much pressure I had to put up with for the sake of this relationship. For a straight guy up until fourteen years of age, to become homosexual, all that that entails, how could he ever understand? The constant fear of becoming headline news, being scolded as a faggot, looked down upon, being discovered by my conservative parents and brother, fear of.......... the possibility of contracting AIDS............ fear of not being able to continue living as a normal human being on this earth, has he ever thought to care about me facing all these?

I am not like him. He is Lu Feng, I am Cheng Yi Chen. Given the most disciplined education, brought up by the most conservative family has produced the most fragile me.

Where do I obtain so much courage, if it is not because I love him..... if it is not because...... I want to be with him............

I was incoherent between sobs, until Lu Feng pulled me into his arms locking in my struggles and cries.

" Good boy, don't be afraid. " My head pressed against his chest, I could hear his deep heartbeats. His voice sounded vague since his tongue was wounded by the resistance I put up, " I am here. Don't be afraid."

He is lying.

However..... I chose to believe him.

" Go back with me, OK?"

I lowered my swollen eyes.

" Does it hurt to walk? I'll carry you. " Lu Feng has always carried me with the casual manner of picking up a sack. This time however, he walked purposefully and steadily. I lean on his broad back, just able to make out the right profile of his handsome face.

My heart feels drained but gradually at peace.

" Xiao Chen."

I listened quietly.

" Everyone wants to do it with the person he likes, I am no different...... I ....... can't hold myself back. Doing it with you is so pleasurable and so satisfying...... I only hope that you can feel as blissful as me........ however when you had that sort of reaction......."

" But..... I am sorry." He stumbled, " ................ I love you."

He tilted his head slightly to the right, seemingly ashamed.

" I don't mean to force you, and certainly do not want to hurt you, I just..... like you so much, losing control like this........." After being silent for a long time he tossed his head, " Fuck........ I am not good at talking, just forget what I said."

I put my head on his shoulder, and held on to his neck tighter.

On that velvety tranquil night, Lu Feng carried me on his back, walking along slowly, along came a gentle breeze, the warmth emitted from his body, unknown insects calling out a serenade.

This picture imprinted in my heart manifests itself as dreams oftentimes on nights when the overpowering sense of loneliness overtakes me.