i like them both (and other observations)

C

The static in my head hushed away when you pulled me close,
put my head to your chest.
A reaction so profound, I gave you gifts everyday for it.
You were all I had in that place,
and for years I thought I was blessed.

It was hard to paint you wrong when I saw what you went through.
They told me to leave you,
but they didn't see you like I did.
Trying to defend why you were being you
Trying to make you see me right in front of you.

It was all for you.
You.
You.
You.

How exhausting mutuality was.
So little in exchange for the pieces of my heart I left outside your door.
I did it all, I gave it all,
but what for?

For the brief hour, or chance minutes it would all be worth it.
Until we went back to me trying to please you.
Until I had to care for your well-being dictating mine.
Until I asked so little of you but it was like pulling teeth.
Until I was walking on eggshells all the fucking time.
Until it took me for-fucking-ever to see that I didn't deserve your shit.

But so enthralled I willingly stayed
For each precious time.
Your apologies felt sincere,
but saying "it's okay" lessens the crime.

Oh, I wanted everything from you,
anything,
relishing in the scraps you felt like giving.

It's been 4 months
and two separate sides of the country.
I'm sick of saying the hard consonants of your name.

It's stupid to keep your number, hoping for an apology,
that you finally see me.

Sometimes I still think of you when the songs come on.
Wandering into memories that spark so much anger and sadness.
Each time I resent less and less.

(I still have your ring,
I don't know what to do with it.
I wonder if you still have its twin.)

-09/11/2016