My notebook (Byler)

25.

  The drive to the hospital felt like my was heart ripped out then shoved back in my chest repeatedly. Max was no help either. Her constant talk about Will, her joking with jonathan and Nancy, her being there. It felt like she was mocking me in a way that said.  
   "Your best friend replaced you and so did everybody else. You fucked up now watch me take your place"
I hate this. I didn't have to be here but Max had to make me feel this way. Her "pay back".
  The hospital came into view and sooner than I liked, the car parked soon after. The three of them swung the doors open eagerly and slammed shut. I hoped I could be forgotten in here but Nancy made sure I was out and in the hospital.We began walking into the lobby and into the elevator, up to the 4th floor and made our way to what I assumed was Will's room. Nancy turned to me and gave me a stern look before Jonathan turned the knob.
   The door opened to reveal Will smiling brightly towards Dustin and Lucas who were saying something I didn't catch nor did I wanna catch.
  "I'm going to the bathroom" I blurted out as I turned on my heel.
  "Mike!" Max yelled but I didn't listen. I quickly walked around till I actually found a bathroom and though it was occupied, I still stood around till I could actually go in.
I locked the door and sat on the tiled ground and slapped my hands on my face.
  "This is all bullshit. Will doesn't like me. No he- It's- He likes Dustin. Yeah, yeah that makes sense. I'm just bait so Dustin could rescue will , make me look like the bad guy.." I shoved my hands in my pocket and in the process, hurt my right finger on something hard. I but my lip and gripped the rectangle object and slid it out.
  "Fuck you..FUCK YOU" I threw the little rectangle notebook across the bathroom and watched it as if it'd get up and fight back but of course it didnt.
   "If Will loved me, it was no longer there. He must love Dustin since they've been so close" The anger I felt was much stronger and my hands were back on that notebook and on the pages.

  "I hate Mike  I hate Mike I hate Mike. Jealous and angry is all Mike has been lately. Uncaring "friend", worse crush I've ever had. I hate him! I hate him because after all this, I still love him and it just makes me feel such anger and UGH I can't believe I fell for him! Why him?! Out of all the people I could have liked, it had to be him! This tall cute brown haired meanie! This cute meanie! Why doesnt he just freaking throw me into a "forget me" bin while he's at it that big rag of elephant feces!

I ripped the page and continued to rip and rip and rip every page till it looked like confetti. My heart ached and my body trembled and stupid fucking tears were coming out of my stupid "brown eyes".  A sob slipped out, following the regret then more and more sobs till I had to physically shut myself up and pick up the mess I had made. Some tears fucked up the writing on the pages  which only made me angrier at myself but I had to keep going. I had to keep shoving the pages in my pockets.
  A light knock came at the door followed by a
  "Mike?"
I bit my lip and grabbed the cover of the notebook and shoved it into my left side pocket.
  "Wh-what!?" I got up and turned the sink on and splashed water on my face.
  "Mi- w-well Max said you were in here-"
"please don't tell me that's Will" I thought
"-and I just wanted to see if you were okay. You've been in here for a while." "Fuck that's Will"
  I turned off the faucet and swung the bathroom door open.
There he stood. Paler than usual, bags under his eyes. He looks so much younger than our age then again that's Will for you.
   I gulped.
"Are you okay?" Will asked. I looked down.
  "Y-yeah" I wanted to smile a little because I saw that he was wearing these donut socks I had bought him for hist birthday last year but I decided against it.
"Well Dustin-"
"fuck dustin." I thought
"-was getting worried about you so we decided to look for you. Jonathan didn't want me out of bed but no matter what, you still are my friend" Will said. He reached for me but I quickly backed up.
  "Let's go back to your room. Search is over, I'm here and okay so Dustin doesn't have to worry anymore" I said, feeling the anger in my tone.
"Don't get angry at Dustin he did nothing wrong but worry about you-"
"Well fuck, Will what do you want me to do about it? Nobody asked him to worry."
"You don't ask to be worried about! Friends worry about friends, Mike! Why are you like this all of a sudden? What? Is it because we kissed?! I get it! You didn't like it."
"I never said I didn't like it-"
"Then what is it, Mike! What's wrong? Why won't you let me in anymore?"
"You have dustin for that now! You don't need my inner secrets anymore"
Will let out a laugh. Those laughs you have when you're at your peak of anger.
"Don't tell me you're f-freaking serious right now."
"I'm serious, Will. You have Dustin. Go love him, go kiss him go fucking love him while you're at it"
  "Fu-f- ugh just shut up, Mike! Shut up! Just because I talk to somebody-"
"Oh yeah "talk" to somebody. Just admit it. You're well over me and so into Dustin's ass, you just pity me!"
  "Mike are you hearing yourself right now?  Do you know how stupid you sound right now? I must be stupid actually for ever loving you! To think that I'd be good enough for Mike wheeler but no I must not be since I don't depend on you!"
  "I don't want you to depend on me-"
"Then why the heck do you not want me to be with Dustin! Even if I did have feelings for him, so freaking what, Wheeler?! Its my life not yours! Just cause I wouldn't love you, doesn't mean smididity nothing!" Will was gripping his hospital gown tightly and his lip would occasionally twitch downwards.
We stood there staring at each other, I calming down amd trying to figure out what to say but it was totally blank.
"Hey come on! You found the old man, now come on" Max said. She had a hard glare towards me but played a smile for Will and wrapped an arm around him. I followed them back to his room and stood by the door.
 
  ****Will's P.O.V****

  I was angry. More than angry. Mike didn't bother to talk to anybody in the room and when someone would try to get him into the conversation he just answer with short replies and totally kills the mood. After this whole injury, the argument, everything, he still couldn't own up to his actions or take my feelings into consideration. It hurt when he told me to "kiss" or" love Dustin" It hurt me to know that Mike was done with me.
  Mike wouldn't look at anybody. His eyes were glued to the floor or at the window and his hands wouldn't leave his pockets. Nothing would catch his attention nor would he even attempt to apologize.
"If I had my notebook..." I thought as I tightened my grip on the bedsheets.
  "You'd be dead."

As everybody got ready to leave, I made sure Mike was the last person in the room before closing the door behind me. I crossed my arms and looked at him.
  "Well?" I said. Mike took his hands out his pockets quickly and put his hands on his face.
  "I don't know, Will." His tone had a slight annoyance mixed with sadness.
"Really?" I crossed my arms. "That's it. Y-you just don't know,huh? Well how about this?" I opened the door behind me and held it open for him.
  "Now you know I don't ever want you around me again." My heart leaped as the words left my lips and his eyes made his way to mine. His mouth opened as to say something but nothing came out.
  "Just go, Mike. You obviously didn't want to be here or around me in that matter so just keep your head in your ass for all I care. Just leave me alone and stay away from me!" Mike was quick to grab my arm
  "Wait, Will!" I snatched my arm away and pushed him as hard as I could out the room and shut the door before he could turn around.
  I was breath hard and quick. The monitor was going crazy but it didn't matter to me. The nurses, my mom, everybody could rush in here for all I care as long as I could cry this one out.
  One more time.