Dear Millie

3

Hi Millie. 

In two weeks I'll be starting tenth grade. Without you. Dad keeps talking about you in the past tense, for some reason thinking that talking about you at all will make the physical pain this has caused me go away. Maybe it will. I sort of don't want the hurt to go, if you know what I mean. It's terrible, but that's love I guess. If I get over you maybe I'll forget you and I can't even fathom that. Forgetting you would be the worst curse the world could throw at me. Even worse than you leaving. I guess it's true what they say about the Bermuda Triangle. I'm never going there. I know we talked about going snorkeling together and lying on the beach sunbathing, but if it's in the triangle, there is no way. I think it would shred me into pieces.

Everything feels numb recently. I don't want to play with our dog and I don't want to go outside. I'm never exactly sad, but I'm never happy, either. It's like my head has built a wall against emotions. I'm not complaining. Emotions make everything harder. Maybe if I didn't have emotions I would have never fallen in love you. Sometimes I can imagine that you're here. Yesterday I slipped up and texted you something. Of course then I remembered. I can't without you. I just can't. You know Emma? Your best friend? She tried to text me something trivial. She didn't sound sad. Maybe pick better friends.

I told Rosalind that life feels muffled and I told her everything that goes on in my head. She said I might have depression. Did you ever have depression?

All of my love to you, Paris