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Chapter Five

5.

And so, this his life. Sitting staring at the desk, not making eye contact with the watchful stare of Doctor Hutt. He's not in the mood for listening to someone else who's pretending to know exactly what Edward is going through. He doesn't say a single thing, not wanting to give Doctor Hutt the satisfaction of thinking Edward is opening up to him. He doesn't want to be here. He wants to be at home with his little red bottle. Alone. So, he decides he'll go along with it, do his time and get out, back to his friends from his red bottle. He'll keep his head down and pretend everything is fine. It'll only take one tiny slip for his entire world to shatter around him.

Suddenly he's ushered into plain pyjamas that are far too big for him. He feels as though he's drowning in them. But he does feel safe, and for once he isn't cold. And then he's brought into a room on the third floor, window open letting the fresh summer air glide into the room, with a small collection of plants in bright pots on the window sill. Three in total, each one equally spaced along the ledge, each one the same height and colour. Two beds with the same plain white bedding stand on each side of the room, pressed up against the wall. It all suddenly feels too bright, far too bright for his tender, bleak soul. He rubs his eyes a few times, allowing the brief darkness to wash over him. But then he opens his eyes and he's back into reality. A sad, bleak reality. The nurse is too cheery, and smiling and shows him round the small, plain room. It all looks clean and bright, from the bathroom all the way down to the white chest of drawers. He doesn't like it, but he'll have to live with it. Until he can convince the doctors to let him out. He nods in all the right places and manages to whisper "goodbye" as the nurse leaves the room.

And then for the first time in a while, he's alone. No one talking at him, no one forcing him to eat something, no one just being there to make sure he's still breathing. He's not quite sure what he's meant to do. He didn't listen to the nurse when she began to run through the schedule. He heard the words 'group therapy' and 'private therapy' and tuned out. He couldn't explain that if he didn't want to speak to someone in private, why do they think he'll want to speak to someone with other addicts round him? But now he wishes he had listened. Even if just to find out when dinner was. Now that he doesn't have his pills to fill his empty void, he's always hungry for something. Yet no matter how much he now eats, the void is never full. So he sits on the bed, and looks around. He doesn't know who he's sharing with, and doesn't really care. Nothing can make his life any worse than it is right now. He lies down and stares to the ceiling, trying to imagine that he was at home again, in his bed, in his room, in his old life. And soon he finds himself drifting off to sleep.

He dreams. For the first time in a long time, Edward dreams. But he can't remember what of. It was a deep, soundless sleep, which he's not sure if he enjoyed or not. He hasn't sleep in a long time without the help of his little pills or someone lying in the bed next to him, making sure he gets some rest. He awakens, fingers trembling as he crawls out of his small cocoon. He turns and leaves the plain room and is met with an equally plain corridor, so he walks back into the room and sits on the bed again. It's too quiet, not a sound anywhere. Suddenly he feels trapped in a world he knows nothing about.

"You coming, then?"

Edward looks behind him to where a boy in jeans and a t-shirt is standing looking at him. He wonders how long he's been there for. He didn't see him a second ago.

"What?"

"You're new here," the taller boy states, "Breakfast is at half seven, didn't the nurse tell you?"

Edward considers curling back into his cocoon, back to a soundless sleep, but his stomach disagrees. It growls with the mention of food. He just wishes his hands would stop shaking. The taller boy doesn't say another word but grabs a pair of rehab issued slippers and holds open their large grey bedroom door for Edward. He leaves the bed unmade, ignoring the perfectly made bed next to his and pulls on his own identical slippers and follows the taller boy down the corridor. The two boys walk side by side, the taller boy makes small talk for a while, explaining he's got normal clothes because he's been here for so long and that he was at the communal bathroom this morning when Edward woke up. Oh, and that Edward didn't stir at all last night, even when the taller boy poked him when he began to snore softly in the middle of the night. Edward lets out a grunt in reply. Unsure what to say to this boy. Unsure why this boy is being so friendly. Unsure about everything in this place.

But then the boy asks Edwards name and for the first time in a long time, Edward asks a question after answering, "Edward. What's yours?"

"Nice to meet you. I'm Ben, I'm guessing you're a trouble kid too?"

Edward chews his lip before he speaks, "sure".

"That's why we're all here", Ben replies and chuckles. But Edward isn't sure what's so funny about that.

The canteen is white and clean and bright, just like everything else in this place. There's a sign above reading 'MoonShine Canteen'. Edward looks at it for a moment. MoonShine. He likes that name. He whispers the word quietly to himself, enjoying it as it falls out his mouth, silky and neat. And then he follows his roommate inside and the silky feeling immediately leaves his mouth. Tables in neat rows and identical chairs on either side. Everything is white and clean. Too clean. A few of the tables of full, others half empty and some with only a single person sitting alone, looking round like a rabbit caught in headlights. Before Edward can make a move to an empty table where he can sit alone, Ben gently guides him over to a table with a brunette boy sitting pushing food around his plate.

"This is Ashley," Ben says, nodding his head towards the brunette boy who hasn't even looked up to see who Ben is talking too, "He doesn't talk much. He hears voices. Family didn't know what to do so sent him here".

Edward doesn't reply, but instead looks at Ashley and studies him. He's a shell, sitting in the body of a human, who doesn't seem to care for life anymore. And that's when Edward realises that there are so many more people than just him who feels like a nobody in this world. He's not alone in this. And somehow, seeing this boy look so lost makes him feel safer and as if his life could be more than just sitting swallowing pill after pill. But for that to happen, he has to forget his plan to get out. He'll need to talk, he'll need to learn to cope without the pills. He's not sure if he's ready for it.

"I have depression. Got sent here cause I tried to kill myself," when Edward looks round to Ben, he adds in, "I'm getting better now. Being here helps. Makes it easier to talk about these things," he pauses for a single second, "Why're you here?"

Edward breaks the eye contact with Ben and looks around the canteen and sees the exact same empty lifeless eyes he sees whenever he looks at himself in the mirror. He wonders how long it'll take before he can speak matter of fact like Ben does. He wonders when it'll become common knowledge why he's here. He doesn't want anyone to know yet. He doesn't want them to know that he loves his pills, that his pills are his only friends. He wonders if he'll ever be able to speak so casually about his pills the way that Ben speaks about his problems.

"I could write I book with everything that's wrong with me", Edward simply tells Ben and then stands go to get some food.