Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

The Spare

Book: The Spare
Author: chronic_dreamer
Review Type: Beginning

Chapter One
• Your hook is in the middle between absolutely catching and boring. I'd say it's alright though, because you still have the rest of the page to hook your reader.
• Dialog tags always are lowercased(not counting when it starts with a name or "I" though). So "She sang" should be "she sang".
• Whenever someone speaks, it's a new paragraph. That might seem like a lot of short paragraphs, but that's the rule. Trust me, it may look weird to you but it won't look weird to the reader. Don't fear short paragraphs, because you can build off of them.
• When you end dialog but include a dialog tag(she said, he teased, etc.), always end the dialog with a comma, not a period. That's why the dialog tag is lowercased(although it still should be lowercased when you end dialog with a ! or a ?). So it should be: "were dismayed that you wouldn't be at breakfast," he teased.
• "Her motions fluid and graceful even slowed by age". For clarity, make it "Her motions fluid and graceful, even though they were slowed by age."
• All dialog tags are lowercased! Even when it's "the room chanted."
• You are correct, when it's an action(movement) instead of a dialog tag(which is the way someone said something) you end the dialog with a period. So when someone smiles, you end the dialog with a period, which you did. Good job!
• When Cerys adds "and full names" it shouldn't be a new paragraph. Instead, put in between her two dialogs something like "I paused" and then put the "and full names" in the same paragraph with it.
• Cerys almost crying about her little brother is too fast. Don't get me wrong, obviously she's going to mourn her brother, but she can't go from happy to suddenly crying. Unless he recently died, which then she shouldn't be able to say it so easily. My advice would be for her to close her eyes after the room gasps, and then will herself to not cry. Make it slower, in more sentences, so it's not as sudden.
• Isn't that whole story a bit much to tell in front of everyone? Especially since it seems to be more of a family secret? Now it will be royal news? My suggestion would be for her to think most of those in-depth thoughts, and only say small parts out loud. That's extreme detail for a bunch of girls who are strangers to her. Or you could have her run out and only tell Madame it. You don't need the excessive detail to all be out loud, it's a bit much.
• When Esmae introduces her name, don't put her name right after in the next sentence. Change it to "she blushed and ducked her head" instead of saying "Esmae blushed".
• Good last sentence for the chapter! It's intriguing, fitting, dramatic and perfect!

Chapter Two
• Don't have Madame list out all the times. Instead have her say "you all know your schedules?" or something like that. All the numbers don't look good in a story.
• "a voice whispered" not "A voice whispered".
• Woah woah woah. She has a boyfriend?? I did not see that coming.
• Don't suddenly change to present tense when they're talking about her eyes. Not unless she's remembering that that's how their conversation always goes. Change it to "he said" instead of "he'd say".
• Also, about the eyes conversation—don't say she'd disagree, then have her actually disagree. You don't need both. Either skip her dialog and just say she disagreed, or delete the "and I'd disagree".
• That whole paragraph with the eye conversation needs work. First, it should be like five paragraphs, because of the switching dialog. Also, end dialog sentences with a period! The sentence spoken before he kisses her should end the with a period. Then put "And then he'd kiss me silly."
• Beautiful paragraph describing his brown eyes.
• Stop making her cry so easily. People don't cry that easily. She shouldn't already have glassy eyes after one sentence. Her mind should be reeling, but she shouldn't be teary-eyed yet.
• "I sighed" isn't a dialog tag, so her dialog("I should eat") should end with a period.
* Even though his dialog about walking her to the kitchen ends with a question mark, his dialog tag should still be lowercased: "he offered" not "He offered".
• You don't need to repeat Carmen's line in italics, because it was literally just said and she immediately commented on that. You can have it echo through her head like that later, but not right away. Delete that sentence, it's not needed and adds nothing.
• Don't end the section with "and suddenly I was on stage". That seems like younger writing. Just say they hugged, and she was nervous or something. You don't need to actually say she was suddenly on stage, the start of the next section clearly defines that for us. Trust me, it's not needed.
• I like the metaphor of the applause and audience being a beast and feeding off her energy. It's excellently written.
• Don't italicize Cerys's whisper to Malcolm on stage. It's unneeded, and just not how grammar in stories work.
• Even with short dialog sentences, they are still supposed to be in separate paragraphs.
• "Silently telling me it was going to be okay" seems out of place. Why not "silently telling me that I could do it." "Okay" makes it seem like she's scared or deeply worried. Yes, she's worried, as we see in the next sentence, but it's still out of place since there's nothing previous alluding to the fact that she's nervous. If you want to keep the line, have her get nervous as they're walking on stage before he gives her the silent look. (This is during their curtain call, by the way.)
• Who's sitting behind her family? It cuts off, implying there's someone else there but her whole family is accounted for. If there's someone we have yet to know behind there and it's supposed to be foreshadowing, keep it. If there's no one else there or no one relevant, just end the sentence.
• Instead of the sentence being in past tense when she mentions how Spencer mouthed "I love you" put it in present tense. It will read better. And her heart could still be hammering before he does that, because the exhilaration of being on stage and such.
• At the moment, I'm not seeing how this chapter was needed. You want to show us her dance background, sure, but is this necessary in the long run? I don't know yet, that's up to you. From the eight chapters I read, I would say it's unneeded and should be cut. You can easily mention her dancing in shows in passing, and present Esmae later on saying that they're already friends. Find a different part to include the information about her brother.