Muslimah with Depression

What's wrong with me?

My inner voice is always busy.
There's a lot of chattering in my mind that I can't really catch up with.
Sometimes I wanna write down what I tought but when I'm ready to or have the time to write about what I feel or tought I just notice that I don't really remember what it is all about.

I'm always talking to myself and I decided to throw it to a book so I start to write.

Anyway the main topic is about me.
I don't know what but I just feel something is off.Something is not right but I just don't really know what it is.I just feel it but can't really explain it.

I'm interested in lots of thing.
To many that make me wonder what my career should be?
I have some option and imagination already.

First I will list the stuff I'm interested with and then I will write down the potentional carrer that I can do from the interest.

So starting of I'm pretty interested with english since I'm a kid.Maybe it's because I'm exposed with lots of english show and such but,yeah I grew up with the ability to talk in english fluently and well.

So I used to think that I want to grow up and teach english.So the idea is I want to be an english teacher.That's the first ambition I had as a kid.So since I'm in kindergarten till  year 6 (12y/o) that's kinda my future career that I want to be associated with.
(Malaysia primary school year 1-6)

But it started to change a bit in year 6.
I become a bit interested with food decoration and cooking.I love to watch videos of people making new recipes and such.I always imagine myself cooking for breakfast at home for my family, but it never really happen cause there is no ingredients since usually we ate outside.
(In Malaysia majority people eat outside means eat at restaurant.Nothing fancy really like fried rice and fried noodles)

Well I did plan if I live alone I want to do something with this interest of cooking.If I have my own house I want to organize everything the way I like.
Speaking of organize I kinda have a problem like I wanna do it but don't know how to start the whole thing.

So when I started high school I became intereseted in psychology.I want to listen to those people with depression,anxiety or just people who are having rough life.I wanna comfort them I wanna listen to them.I want to help them.Funny enough not long after that I'm diagnosed with MDD.

I became interested in writing as well.
I want to write a book and publish it.
I'm interested with drawing too.
I want to draw and make dakwah content out of it.

I'm interested in video creating.
I made a video for my school in a competiton.

Though I kinda have a problem.
School.

I hated it and I like it at the same time.
It's the place where I lose self esteem and also gain confidence.

As example sometimes I feel like people are talking behind me and making fun of me.
But at the same time I'm so confident to make presentation in front of the class without caring being judged.

When I'm talking in front of people my anxiety never attack me.
It happen when I don't communicate with people somehow.

Like I just walk past the hallway and I see a couple people looking at me and I have toughts like are they talking about me? Are they making fun out of me?

It's weird and confusing at the same time that make me question what's wrong with me?