Falling deeper (Bxb)

Chapter 24

Sebastian's
Ever since I lost Aireen, I never felt happiness. I spent my life loathing, hating and trying to come up with a plan to make them suffer.
Hunter was my best friend but he abandoned me just because of damn rules. Aireen told me she was pregnant and had to marry Hunter. My world crumbled down and no matter how much I tried, I wasn't able to pick up the pieces.

I hated life. I never knew that I would change so much until life decided to attack me with all the bad things it could throw my way. The hatred and pain that the demons inside my head overcame me and enveloped my rational thinking in darkness. It was scary. Our own demons are too scary that only few people were able to defeat it.

Sometimes monsters are invisible, and 
sometimes demons attack you from the inside. 
Just because you cannot see the claws and the teeth 
does not mean they aren’t ripping through me. 
Pain does not need to be seen to be felt. 

No matter how much I try to accept the fact that Heath is my son, I just couldn't take it. I couldn't take the fact tbat he suffered because of me. That he became like this because of me. That all the pain, hatred and anger in his heart are caused by me.
I couldn't take it anymore and left the place while the police officer is trying to calm Heath down.

I was overwhelmed by the truth that I don't have time to go and beat Christopher up for abandoning me after knowing that the police is on the way. What he wants is money and nothing more. All he wanted was to keep using me like a fucking money machine who only provides him what he wants and then toss me away when it becomes dangerous.

He does not care about others and just save his own ass during times like this.
I sat on my car after reaching it through the back of the building.
I was driving away while thinking on what I am going to do next.
I slumped on my seat and sighed. I suddenly felt exhausted, tired. I felt my energy being drained and my head started throbbing from the stress and overwhelming informations.

I don't know what's right to do anymore. I was lost and I think I needed someond to push me to the right way. I don't like this anymore. I'm tired of all this cliches of life. It was too cruel and unfair. I lost all my reasons and motivations to do what I planned. Besides, after knowing about Heath, I don't think I have the strength to hurt him any further. I don't have a plan on apologizing, I don't have any plan on begging to be forgiven, but I think hurting him is too much already.
I guess I've been so fucked up by this damned shitful life more than I expected.

Heath's

I found myself running away again. but this time not from someone. I found myself running away from Kent, wishing that I can outrun the reality as well.
I reached outside and paused when I saw the police cars and the men who were being hauled by the officers.

My men standing by the side and trying to monitor the area.
I collapsed on my knees and my mind was in chaos. My worries and relief for Tristan. My disbelief and denial of the truth. And so many others that's making my mind run out of control.

The next thing I knew,  I was being squeezed by strong arms, burying my tear-soaked face on his chest. The moment I felt the warmth, I broke down even louder. I didn't care about the spectators and just cried my eyes out. My frustration, my anger on this absurd life, my pain and sadness.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry" Kent keep on mumbling that as he rest his chin at the top of my head.
He's rocking us slowly as he hug me tightly, caressing my back up and down in a soothing manner.
His voice is low and raspy, evidence that he's crying as well.

He held me close to him, he took me home and told me everything about Sebastian and my parents. How guilty and sick he felt that even though Sebastian killed his parents, he still feel pity and sympathetic towards Sebastian.
I never said a single word until he finished, and even after he sighed and waited for me to react.

He then tapped my shoulders and told Clint to prepare my needs and be sure that I won't do anything stupid and he left.
I was just sitting on the couch alone, Clint knew how much I needed that and I was thankful for his consideration and understanding.

I found myself walking towards my father's study office. I stumbled inside and closed the door behind me.
I feel weak and lifeless. I've never felt so tired before that all I want to do was to collapse on my bed and never wake up again.

I looked around and saw the hidden cabinet is already open. There are many folders containing the informations I was looking for, unfortunately it was not needed anymore.
I removed everything and placed it on the table as I sat on the swivel chair.

I slowly checked the folders until I saw a brown envelope at the bottom.
I pulled it out and saw my name written on the envelope.
I stared at it and tried to calm myself but I couldn't. I'm nervous and tense just by looking at it.

I took a shaky breath and nervously opened it. I pulled all the papers inside and 3 photographs fell.
I picked it up just to see Sebastian hugging my mom.
Another when he was with my dad, their arms around each other's shoulders and smiling broadly.
Then the last photo was when they were all together, Sebastian standing at the center, hugging both my parents close to him.

I tried to stop my tears from falling and placed the photographs aside.
I looked at the papers, the first one was my birth certificate. I was registered as Heath Claude, my mom was the same, but the father was Sebastian.
Another was my parents marriage certificate. Then my renewed birth certificate where my name was changed because of the marriage.
It was the birth certificate that I knew, but it was a revised one.

I felt my tears rolling down my cheeks. I can't tell exactly what I'm feeling right now. My tears flowed more freely as I suppressed the sob trying to escape my mouth when I saw a letter. Two pages, on my father's hand writing.

I tried to suppress the sound of my crying as I read the letter but I just couldn't. The paper became soaked in my tears as I read through it and I just let my sobs out.
The room was too silent so my sob was echoing through the room but I was so occupied that I couldn't care at all.

I crumpled the letter and pressed it against my chest and cried with all I have. With my messed up feelings and emotions about everything that happened. I don't know what I should feel anymore. I don't know what I am supposed to do either. I cried and cried with a question repeatedly asked inside my head.

Sebastian has his reasons on what he did. I knew the pain of losing my parents were painful enough, but the pain he went through wasn't easy and I am aware of it. His world was stomped down and crushed totally by the two most important people in his life. The two people he considered his family and significant part of his being. He wasn't aware of the truth about me and I couldn't blame him for that as well.
The question on my head was killing me. I wish someone could answer it for me because it's driving me insane. I can't take it anymore.

Who am I supposed to hate then? Don't I have at least have the right to hate someone? Just who am I supposed to hate?!