cracks in the stone that binds me

these words spill out

what will you say,
if you see me now?
shivering in yet another defeat,
but not backing down.
I stand not unafraid,
I stand not undefeated,
but I continue on for myself
and only myself
and I hope you'll grow to understand that
with time.

but maybe I am still a foolish fool.

I have carried on in the past for foolish reasons.
I have lived not for glory, but for spite,
and for that,
I am ashamed.

I have lived not for myself,
but for others,
and for that,
I am disheartened.

but now I live only for myself,
and for that,
I am undeterred.

I live not without fear.
I live not without shame.
I live not without regret.
I live not without the biting feeling that I'm wasting my time.

from cracks in the stone that binds me,
these words, I know, spill out.
but no one is careful enough to catch them,
and so,
they remain unnoticed.

I have shed many skins
to escape my own sins.
I have died many times
to escape my self-directed lies.
I have cried myself dry
of tears, tears of mine.
I have waited so long
for someone to find me
that I have forgotten where I am
and how to find myself.

I turn to the cards that guide me,
but the answers are all the same.
change,
death,
quiet,
look inward.

but I don't know how.
please don't shut me up again.
I promise I'll be good.
but.. what do you mean?