cracks in the stone that binds me

and I cannot stop them from spilling through

from cracks in the stone that conceals me,
these words tremble upon my lips.
I don't remember how to speak.
I do not know what comes first,
or what will follow,
or even how to form a word.

my mind has not stayed the same as I'd thought.
it is damaged and cluttered and robotic,
and won't take anything more in.
my heart has been damaged so severely.
with unfading scars and fresh scratches always opening up,
I do not know how to heal it.
my soul has become something foreign.
I don't know love or like or hate.
I don't know anything.

oh gods, what am I doing here?

why can't I get out?

it's a desperate fight to move.

my bones ache and creak as I start trying to remember what muscles to trigger for what.

my muscles are sore and cramped from staying stock-still in one place for so long.

my throat is dry and my voice is gone as I try and stutter out a plea for the universe's help with a promise to be quiet on my tongue.

it hears me.

eventually, I find my blood rushing in my veins again,
and I feel I am coming alive for the first time.

my fingers move and wriggle against my stone casing,
and my legs suddenly start hurting all over from the hard feel of the rock against them.

but I still cannot leave.

I still cannot leave this sanctuary I've built for myself throughout these years,
and I cannot leave because it is now a prison.

I cannot leave,
and maybe I will not leave,
but I keep trying.

I wish there was somebody on the outside who could help,
but I drove everyone away in my madness,
and now must face the dire consequences.
but I can do this alone,
as I have everything else.

I don't start shaking.
I don't start crying.
I don't start screaming.
I don't start smiling.

but I do reach down and pick up a deck of cards to shuffle to calm my mind,
and that is when I realize that I can move.

the stone crumbles away into fine dust as I stand up and brush my arms off,
mixing with the ashes.

I have been knelt before my own destruction,
forced to remain as a statue in this world of suffering,
and now,
finally,
I have broke free.

and the first thing I do is calmly shuffle my deck of cards,
and listen to what they have to say.

there is still stone shielding me,
but now,
I have enough room to move.

I need to think.