random thoughts and feelings

lost innocence and decaying happiness

(this one is kinda personal to me)

for most people, looking at an old photo or looking back on a memory is something that brings back a happiness to us as our brains replay the sights, sounds, and feelings. but one thing i've come to learn in the past few years is that it can also lead to a crumbling sadness that eats away at the happiness the memory carries. instead, the brain places a reminder that the feeling experienced in the photo or memory can never be recreated. its states the fact that you will never have the blind innocence and pure joy you had back then. it reminds you that things are completely different from that time, and that you will never be able to hold on to the happiness within you. the things you've seen, heard, felt, all have stripped you of your innocence far before you were ready to let it go. not long after that, your happiness began to rot from inside you. you live day by day with a heart filled with dread, anger, sadness, and a longing for the people you were forced to separate from. the emotions are almost too much to bear, and make your heart heavy inside you. the old memories show the pure innocence that is now lost and quickens the rotting happiness inside of you. your only hope is to push through it, and make new memories that will hopefully nourish the decaying emotion in your heart.

innocence is something that can only be possessed once, and if it is taken too early, it can cause an endless cycle of decaying happiness within you.

lmao this was kind of depressing ngl. i try to be funny and upbeat a lot but sometimes i just got to be natural and acknowledge the fact that i dont really feel like that often. its ok to not be ok, and sometimes all you need is to realize that fact to begin to feel better. maybe next time i might just write some random weird thoughts that cross my mind because so far this book is not very uplifting.