Dominatrix Diaries

3. Even the Devil Cries

His voice is shaking as he answers. "I just wanted to escape."

He is just a boy again, the same boy I used to know; terrified and in desperate need of reassurance.

I can't help myself and my arms wrap around him, holding him tightly as he falls apart.

This is digging up memories that I buried long ago. Memories of a lost boy who needed to be rescued but was too afraid to admit to it.

I gently stroke his hair as his tears fall against my chest and I am at a loss for words.

Talking to him was never easy and seeing him for the first time in five years has not helped.

"Elias, why would you come to this place after everything?" I finally find my voice.

"A friend recommended the place to me, and I just thought it would help somehow," he takes a deep breath, trying to gain control of himself.

He removes himself from my embrace and I am met with the familiar feeling of being pushed aside and unappreciated.

"I was wrong," he rises from the floor and briskly puts his clothes back on, collecting himself as though he hadn't just broken apart in the first place.

I reach out to touch his arm and he flinches. "I'm sorry," I tell him, and I mean it.

How did this happen? I am the dominant in this room, always. But suddenly, a ghost from my past walks in the door and I am submitting to him and apologizing to him and he is being as cold and uncaring as ever.

"Don't worry about it. It was my mistake for coming here," he is formal again, his voice calm and his stature unwavering.

He strides to the door and my heart drops. I can't believe he is leaving just like that. I have so many questions and I don't know how to ask any of them, but I don't want him to just walk away like he always does.

Somehow, he reads my thoughts and pauses with his hand on the doorknob. "We should meet up sometime, maybe tonight?" His voice is apathetic as usual but I can see the pleading in his eyes.

He still has some sort of feelings for me, and that makes my heart sing in a way it hasn't for quite a long time.

"Yeah, where?" I try to match his lack of disinterest.

Elias thinks for a moment. "Remember the rooftop?" How could I ever forget?

"I'll be there at nine, I have a late shift tonight," I lie. I just need time to think about what the hell is happening.

He nods and I get the feeling he wants to say something else, but all he ends up replying with is "okay, I'll see you then," before walking out the door and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Wow. Elias. I just saw him. That was really him, I didn't imagine it this time.

I am frustrated with myself for letting feelings that I thought I had pushed down long ago resurface so easily. When I left him, I told myself it was over with him for good because that's what I needed to do if I was ever going to be happy. Yet here I am, five years later after telling him I'm done letting him use me, agreeing to meet him at the place where we first started feeling things for each other.

Elias was my last appointment of the day, so I speed home to my apartment, my mind racing as memories, both good and bad, swirl around in my head.

There is a storm brewing in my mind by the time I fling the door open, expecting my roommate to be out at dinner with her girlfriend, but relieved to find her perched at the kitchen bar with two glasses of white wine.

"This is exactly what I need right now, you are the best Cassie, have I ever told you that?" I drop my bag on the floor and waste no time seating myself on the stool next to my best friend.

"You have, but I enjoy hearing it so you can say it as much as you want," she takes a sip of her wine and watches, appalled, as I throw mine back.

"Okay, what happened at the office today?" Cassie questions me, suddenly serious.

"Elias," is all I can manage to say.

But she understands immediately. "DeMarcus? You're kidding, I thought I would never have to hear that asshole's name again," her face scrunches up in disgust just thinking about my ex high school boyfriend.

"He was a client, I had to service him. It was awful," I'm finding it difficult to say much.

"Holy shit, I can imagine. What was he even doing there? That creep probably hunted you down on purpose," Cassie shakes her head in disbelief.

"No Cas, he was completely surprised to see me too. And after the session he asked to see me tonight," I rub my temple.

"You said no obviously," she looks at me, expecting agreement. "Right, Julia?"

I take a deep breath, not wanting to disappoint her. "I couldn't say no, Cas."

"Jesus, you can never say no to him. I don't understand, it's like you can say no to every other man on the planet, but with Elias it's always yes. I don't fucking get it," she is pouring herself more wine now.

"Cas, I'm sorry. But you didn't see him in there. He was vulnerable, and I think he needs me," I try to get her to understand, but I know it's useless.

"Julia! He always needs you for something, but what about what you need? Has he ever thought of that? Absolutely not," Cassie is angry now, and I hate that we are having the same argument we always used to have when she would try and help me come to the realization that I needed to dump Elias all those years ago.

"I'm not taking him back, okay? I just need answers so I can move on. It would be too weird to see him today and then just go back to my life as if nothing happened." Cassie is still not pleased with my excuses, but she knows that I've made up my mind about this.

"Just call me if you need an escape, and make sure you have location services on so I can track you down if he tries to kidnap you," she hugs me tight, and I love her for caring so much about me and putting up with all the bullshit I know I've caused by the time I've spent with Elias. All the nights I would cry to her about how he hurt me and then convince myself that it wasn't his fault and that things could get better, I just had to believe in him.

And Cassie was there for me every time, holding me, setting me straight, and then helping me to smile again after it all. Of course, I would usually plunge right back into the same pattern and she would have to rescue me again, which was completely unfair of me. I finally realized that, and knowing it now will help me get through tonight without cracking.

It's ten to nine and I know I have to leave. Elias won't get to me this time, I won't let him.