histoire courte

JNK • CONCLUSION

Tatlong taon na ang nakalipas nung nawala siya. Tatlong taon ng sakit, hirap, and kalungkutan. Ang tanging hiling niya sa akin ay ang maging masaya ako pero ang hirap.

Tama nga sila— Life doesn't discriminate, it takes and it takes and it takes. And they took him.

But love doesn't discriminate either. If you fall and get hurt, you keep loving anyways. That's what happened with Taehyung, at yun din ang nangyari sa akin at kay Jongin.

I miss him. It's hard not to. As time passed, I realized he didn't fix my world, he gave me a new one. A better one. Our love may have been short-lived, but if I had to choose between that or never have loving him at all, I would choose the first one in a heartbeat.

As I reminisced our old conversations, he mentioned something about Rome. Lagi niyang sinasabi at minemention sa akin na parang may koneksyon siya doon kahit hindi pa siya nakakapunta. It was one of the few times he was able to be emotional with me, when he was the one that let his guard down. I wish that I had more moments like that with him, but I can never have that. I know I can't and I've learned to accept that.

And he was right, Rome did feel like him. It was a reflection of Jongin, in a way. The sunlight was bright, like how he smiled and lit up the room. May mga batang nagtatakbuhan at nagtatawanan. A wave of memories crash over me, and I take it gladly. With Taehyung, I wanted to forget everything. But with Jongin? Every memory with Jongin is to be treasured, masakit man o hindi.

Siguro this is my conclusion to our story. It took me 3 years to accept that he was never coming back, that this is my new reality, that he's no longer here with me physically. But he told me to move on and live happily despite him not being here to see it happen, and all I want now is for him to look down on me and be proud.

Jongin, I hope you're proud.

Habang naglalakad ako papunta sa bakery na naikwento niyang gusto sana niyang puntahan, I bumped into a tall stranger.

"Ugh! Shit!" Napamura kong biglaan nung nahulog ako sa pavement.

"Sorry, miss. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. Does it hurt? I'm really sorry."

That voice. It sounded so much like him. For a second I actually thought it was him, or maybe I was just hearing things. Masyadong maliwanag yung araw kaya di ko nakita mukha niya. Inalay niya ang isa niyang kamay para tulungan ako at kinuha ko, electricity shooting up the veins of my arm as we touched. Nangilabot ako ng saglit. What was happening?

Flashes of colors flickered in my sight until I was able to see clearly. Or maybe I was seeing things.

"Jongin?"

"I'm sorry?"

The same voice, same face, style of clothing even. Parang bumalik siya sa buhay, parang andito lang siya sa harap ko.

But it can't be. Jongin's dead. He was cremated. I saw his grave, it's impossible that he's alive.

I rubbed my eyes, hoping that maybe I'm just going crazy. Looking up, siya pa rin. I kept rubbing and blinking and looking but all I saw was him.

Am I going crazy? I think I'm going crazy.

I tried rubbing again once more pero kinuha niya ang kamay ko. "Miss, I suggest you stop rubbing your eyes before you go blind."

"Jongin?" Mahinhin kong nasabi, "Ikaw ba yan?"

"Pilipino ka? Pasensya na, hindi ako yung hinahanap mo, Miss. Kung may hinahanap kayo, handa naman akong tumulong. Kai nga pala, at your service." Ika niya, alay muli ang kamay niya upang magpakilala.

Lumipas ang ilang segundo ng katahimikan before I was able to speak up again.

"May amnesia ka ba?"

Humalakhak lang siya. Pati ngiti at tawa nila magkatulad. Di ko maintindihan ang nangyayati, naloloko na ba ako? Baka panaginip lang ang lahat at nung gabing pumunta ako kay Joy, ako yung natamaan and I'm just in a coma.

Pero hindi. I can feel his touch, taking me inside the bakery, a string of words along the lines of "Magpalamig ka muna, baka nadala ka lang sa init" and he sits me down, the smile on his face still beaming.

Hours passed of endless conversations and walking in the streets of Rome and I realized that this wasn't Jongin. He looked like him, sounded like him, even acted like him at times, but they were different in a way. Kai was more confident, bolder. He was more straightforward and if he flirted, he would mean it. Di siya katulad ni Jongin na minsan natatakot pa kasi maldita ako, pero I liked it din naman. I also knew it wasn't him because Jongin grew up in Manila and Kai was from Cebu. Jongin also had a scar behind his left ear and Kai did not.

Our situation was almost hilarious, parang naulit ang nakaraan. The hotel room I was staying in was next to his, we would eat breakfast together and take walks. I wasn't as hostile as before, one of the many things that changed when he passed, so Kai had it easy in a way. It wasn't long until I realized I had fallen in love with him.

Nung una, akala ko kasi kamukha niya si Jongin at kaugali niya si Jongin, and either way it wasn't bad. I just thought it was unfair to him that I was going to have feelings for someone who could possibly be his twin. But Kai wasn't Jongin, they had their differences, and I fell in love with those differences, too. I fell in love with Kai.

Our trip only lasted 2 weeks before we had to make our leave. We both rode to the airport together and only when we reached there did I find out that he was heading straight to Manila where he was relocated by his company to work there. I was quick enough to offer him a place to stay sa condo ko but he declined, muttering jokingly how I had a crush on him.

Kung alam niya lang.

Mahirap itago yung sikreto ko sa mga kaibigan ko at nung nakita nila, naawa ako kay Kai. Sinugod siya mg mga tanong at taong litong-lito and scared face he made was both pitiful and hilarious. They were able to accept him quickly after a few weeks.

He was able to find a condo, medjo malayo sa 'kin, but he never faltered trying to hang out with me. Every available free time he had that matched mine was spent with me.

Sooner or later, umamin din siya. He babbled words, unlike Jongin who seemed like he memorized a script before saying anything and I shut him up with a kiss, reassuring him that he didn't need to replace Jongin. They both had enough space in my heart and I loved him for who he is, not because of who he resembled.

2 years later, he married me. Something told me na eto yung bawi ng mundo sa akin, na this one will be with me forever. We decided to live in Rome where he started a dance company and I modeled for clothing brands. Kai became my new park and Jongin will remain a beautiful one that was once in my life.

He hugged me from behind as we watched the town square having fun.

"I wanna drink too."

"Bawal alak sa buntis, baka maging luko-luko anak natin."

I rolled my eyes, "Luko-luko na yun either way because you're the father."

"Ah, umaangal ka. Nung nasa kama tayo hindi ka umangal, umungol ka."

I hit his arm, covering my reddened face, "Kairita ka! Papasok na 'ko sa kwarto at unless gusto mong matulog dyan, sumunod ka na. Baka maisipan ko pang i-lock out ka..."

As I walked to the room, I hear him say something. Probably another joke so I just waved it off.

---

"—unless gusto mong matulog dyan, sumunod ka na. Baka maisipan ko pang i-lock out ka..."

Naglakad siyang paalis sa akin, iritang-irita ang kilos. Nung nakalayo na siya ng onti, ngumisi ako.

"Opo, Kumander Jeniper." Akin sinaludo.

Hay, maldita, pasalamat kang mahal kita.