I Want Your Heaven and Your Oceans Too

Can't Let Go

A prequel to Hello/When We Were Young

When did it go wrong
I will never know
I have loved you all my life
How did it slow down
I go round and round
Thinking about it all the time

He was gone.

The idea, the concept, turned around and around in her head, piercing through like a mantra, a faulty wire, stuck on repeat, over and over again until the words sounded almost silly. As if they were an ending to a tale that belonged to someone else.

It couldn't possibly be theirs.

That very first night, she was fairly certain there was such a phenomenon of dying from a broken heart. She certainly felt as though it would burst right out of her chest, leaving the cavity completely barren and she'd either walk around the rest of her days with a gap where the organ used to be, pumping blood like a life-force throughout her body or she would simply give up.

The latter seemed more plausible.

Getting out of bed seemed an insurmountable feat. Eating and sleeping and functioning, even at the most minimum of levels was out of the question. She was merely a shadow of Stefani; talking and moving only when she had to, answering questions with barely a nod, taking small sips of water throughout the day so that the people around her didn't lose their minds more than they already were. She was aware the entire thing made her a handful and as much as her friends and her team would do anything for her, she couldn't bear their pity. And she didn't want anyone around. Just him and that wasn't possible.

Bobby and the rest of her friends and colleagues had backed off after she'd told them she needed to breathe. Their constant, well-meaning concern was just too much and finally, she let them know they needed to leave her be. And she knew they'd been relieved. It wasn't any fun, as much as she believed that they all cared about her, to deal with her depressed ass, day after day, never knowing if they were going to get a slightly more talkative version, one that managed to shower and dress, maybe choke down a piece of dry toast, draw upon the slightest bit of strength to answer a few emails before she shut off again or the other Stefani; mute, who couldn't look at any of them without breaking into sobs, the Stefani that would pull the covers back up over her head and shut out the world until she didn't experience stabbing pain just by opening her eyes.

But the one person she couldn't push away stayed behind when the rest had been exiled. She made her their mother's soup, cheering when she managed a few spoonfuls. She sat up with her most up the night, watching mindless comedies, not pressing her to converse. She never suggested she shower or go outside, never snapped and told her to get her shit together, that he'd left but he wasn't dead and to quit acting as if he were. As she'd done for many, many low points in her life, Natali simply held her hand.

"What the hell happened?" She choked out hoarsely, somewhere in the middle of the early morning hours.

The rain fell down in sheets outside, rendering her bedroom darker than usual. Normally, she loved it, found it tranquil and she'd light candles all over the house to create a cozy atmosphere.

But the drops on the windowpanes and the roof felt intrusive, somehow, almost mocking. Like they were tears.

Natali, to her immense credit, needed no further explanation. "I don't know, sweetie. But I'm so, so sorry."

What she didn't utter was how she wished she could fix it and for that tiny allowance, she was relieved. The idea it could be repaired was unimaginable, laughable, even. She was no stranger to heartbreak; she'd practically cultivated the term over the years.

This one destroyed her.

There was nothing more to say, nothing more her sister, or anyone else for that matter, could do.