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CHAPTER SIX — ❛ A MORBID LONGING FOR SOMETHING ❜
It's tough to treat yourself kindly when your own head turns against you.
The snitch's murder was tormenting my thoughts and something was on the verge of breaking, but my heart and my mind were still competing in who'd get to do it first. Hei's philosophy of surviving says that men are beasts and you can't always control them without violence, but I still couldn't wrap my head around how painfully easy it was to take someone's life away. With him by my side, the blood had turned golden and even in the moment right after I've done it, when reality just sunk in and the gunshot was still echoing through the night, I felt absolutely nothing.
I was starting to become wary of mirrors or any other surfaces that would show me my reflection. I didn't want to look at the person that I was becoming and even the deformed images in that morning's rain puddles, were enough to fill my heart with discomfort. The clock had just struck five in the morning, Hei and I were standing side by side on a train platform and there wasn't anyone in sight except for us and a few lonely businessmen, who were mere shadows in floating clouds of fog, hollow shells of real humans, holding their briefcases and already dreading another day at work.
'' When the train comes, don't forget to push me, okay? '' I broke the heavy silence and glanced at Hei.
'' Someone's in a good mood today, huh? '' he sarcastically mumbled and smirked in amusement. His red hair was damp from the humid weather and he was eating a piece of some kind of cheap pastry that he bought himself at a stall outside of the subway station. The scent of sweet fried dough was making my mouth water and I was secretly regretting my rejection of his offer to get me one as well. '' I still can't believe that you forced me to pay for a subway ticket! I haven't bought one in my entire life! You really suck at this being a criminal thing, detective. ''
Sometimes, I would get so lost inside Hei's eyes that I would forget all about the bad things that he had done. He wasn't mine and I wasn't his, but time seemed to move slower and the sun shined a few shades darker when we weren't together.
'' How much longer are you gonna be like this? '' he asked and nudged me with his elbow, his mischievous smile faltering. '' I'm running out of witty jokes and you haven't laughed at any of them yet. ''
'' I killed someone last night! '' I snapped and glared at him in anger. He had an intense presence and it often made me forget that there were other people in the world besides us. My annoyed yelling earned some very confused and worried stares, so I made sure to lower my voice before I added: '' Excuse me for being a little traumatized! ''
'' Well, you aren't excused, '' he bluntly replied and shook his head. '' You've killed a man. So what? That doesn't mean that you have to kill my good mood as well. ''
