𝐍𝐎𝐍-𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐒

I got no car and it breaks my heart but I've found a driver, that's a start

"It doesn't smell like chocolate" I said fastening the seatbelt.

"Hilarious."

He started the car. I followed his moves out of the corner of my eye. One hand controlled fluidly the gear changes or it clutched the steering wheel, the other hand wandered from his curls to the small piece of skin between his nose and his mouth where some beard hair were growing.

If I could I'd get out of this car while it was still running. I wanted to go back home, sleep in my bed, sleep alone, and never ever think of him again. But, oh, my God, he looked so cool tonight. He got the controls under his left foot. He could move me like a doll.

He smirked like he knew. "What?"

"Nothing", I cleared my throat. I had something more important to say. "I just think I should apologize to you."

He stopped at a traffic light. He glanced at me and his face was immersed in the colour red. He raised his eyebrows, surprised. "I'm listening." I looked at my tighs, they were red too.

"I was thinking... last time I saw you, I think I talked to you with words you could have misunderstood. It seemed like I only wanted you because it was a game, a challenge, because you're not single and I wanted to...conquer you, just for fun", I smiled out of awkwardness, tormenting my hands. My tighs were green now. "It's not true. I really like you. As a person."

He hit the accelerator again, his eyes on the road. It took him a moment to speak. "Why?"

I laughed. That was such a Matty type of question. Why do you like me? Which was a way of him to say, tell me all the reasons why you like me, cause I know you do.

"Because I met some men in my life – I was thinking about this when I was home – not actually bad, I don't think there was something actually evil in them, but they were...rude, insensible, mysoginist. And if they weren't, if they were innocent, they were harmless, boring, never interesting enough to leave me flustered. But you... you've always been nice to me. I don't take it for granted. It doesn't matter if you probably just wanted me to suck you. You stood up for me when that man offended me at the Awards, and you barely knew me. You called me when my friend...you know. And you seem to care about what I say, like I'm worth of your admiration, not only your attention. And I like talking to you as well. You're smart. You're cool. You're good, I think. No, I don't think. You are. I know you are."

"That's a fair apology", he just murmured. And I was glad he didn't talk much more. Silence gently fell over us. He was still looking straight ahead, serious. I tried to read him but it was impossible. I wished I apologized before, cause I had the feeling this man who was taking me home now was more vulnerable than I thought. I stared at his beautiful profile, his cheek shining, hitten by the lights of the city.

"Can I put some music?", I asked.

"Sure, I already have the phone connected to the bluetooth speaker, here", he gave me his iPhone, "I was listening to a playlist but you can put whatever you want."

I scrolled through the songs of his playlist and I was surprised I couldn't even recognize one band.

"Well, I don't listen to mainstream", he commented.

"Shut up, me neither."

He laughed, and I loved that sound. "You can put what you want"

"No, I'm curious now", I replied as the first song started.

It was The First Big Weekend by Arab Strap. It started with an acoustic guitar and the lyrics were spoken, not sung. Then the drum marked the time and my body immediately started moving. Matty's fingers wiggled at time on the steering wheel, he was whispering the lyrics and I laughed when he did the chicken head thing. We locked eyes during the song sometimes and we both smiled. Oh, there was no turning back for me.

My phone kept vibrating. I was trying to ignore it, but it just kept moving inside my pocket and it was annoying. Still distracted by Matty, I checked the dozen of messages Sadie sent me.

Sadie | 00:06AM
you go girlll

Sadie | 00:06AM
omg he's so into you

Sadie | 00:06AM
you too actually lol you looked like you saw a ghost

Sadie | 00:07AM
THANK US LATER

Sadie | 00:30AM
damn they already spotted you ughhhghhhh people are spies

Sadie | 00:30AM
you are all over my twitter timeline jezzzz

Sadie | 00:45AM
don't read them, you're doing amazing sweetie

I confusedly stared at my phone. Then I realized. Those two girls who were with Matty before. Did they take pictures of us? I checked myTwitter. Yeah, they took pictures of us! They were calling me whore and they were calling him cheater.

"Matty, pictures of us are everywhere!"

"What?"

"They spotted us."

"Okay?"

I opened my eyes wide. "Okay? You have a girlfriend, remember? And we've already been rumored to have a thing. People are writing shit and – "

"I don't have a girlfriend."

The songs finished. Another one started, but the mood was different. A softer, slower ballad began. It reminded me of another song, and I almost expected him to sing, but then the voice of the singer sounded nothing like him.

"Excuse me?"

"We broke up. A couple of weeks ago? More or less."

My jaw dropped. "Why?"

"Oh, don't panic. Not for you, if that's what scares you."

"Well, thank God", I snapped.

He knew me so well. If I was the reason of their break up I couldn't handle it, cause I couldn't give him the kind of relationship he wanted. But if I wasn't, I was kind of upset, honestly.

"Then why?"

"I just can't be in a relationship if my heart's not in it. Not anymore", he replied. He was so calm, his eyes on the road, with a finger he rubbed the beard hair that was growing on his chin. He stopped at another traffic light and looked at me, his curls covering one of his eyes. His voice was a serious, sensual, whisper. I could feel it caressing my cheek. 

"Listen. If you're scared of what people can write, the next one's your flat, I'll take you there. I'll leave. You'll be in your room, in your bed and you're going to sleep tight, alone. People will forget about us, they'll send their hate to someone else and we'll go back living our lives safe and sound, both on our own"

I swallowed my own saliva back down. I stared at him impatiently, with a touch of fear. "What if I'm not scared?"

He looked at me, soft piano playing in the background, and suddenly the green light replaced the red on his face. He glanced at the road once again, the shade of a smile on his lips, and he pressed the accelerator.