𝐍𝐎𝐍-𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐒

I get the fear, the more I get you near, the more you fade away

He stared, he stared at me with painful eyes that could cut me with each glance. His mouth hanging open softly. He did a little thing with his tongue that showed he had no inhibition. He liked to be distasteful, he liked to be disturbing, it was his way of creeping into your head and leave his mark.

He leaned above me, his hair swinging on his face like telephone wires. Here I was, still and proud, my head resting on the headboard of my bed, even though I'd bow to him in adoration. I wondered if he knew. Of course he knew.

As he got closer and closer, I reached for his tattoo-decorated skin with my fingers, the rumble of his voice echoing from his chest.

He looked at me like I was a saint and he touched me like I was unholy. I wanted him to crawl inside my body. He knew it so well, my eyes said things better than my mouth. But he teased me, he teased me a lot, and I couldn't blame him. The pitying look in my eyes could only flatter him.

He was now begging me to open up my mouth, but not to make words come out. So I pulled on my pout, I pulled on my hair. His body stretched across the mattress, his grip on my cheeks to hold my mouth open. His eyes glimmered like sparkly water.

His long tapered fingers touched my lips, making their way between them. Instinctively I tried to bite them, but not vigorously. He giggled. Quickly he slipped inside me. He set me to flames until the dying of the night, my body shaking in his arms. His heat was like a sweltering fire, but I couldn't wait any longer to get burnt cause when he touched me it was celestial. He always looked at me like he was making love to me, but he touched my body roughly, making me feel a spectrum of emotions ranging from innocence to shame and vice versa.

He put his hands on my hips and asked "Why you ride so fast? Slow down, baby"

Oh, but to slow down was a sin for us. I felt like we were running out of time, all the time. Just a few hours and we were going to be apart, again. Living our lives apart, like this never happened. I couldn't slow down. We never had the time. We never shared the same space for enough time. Every second counted. Every time he showed me his crooked teeth in what could have been a smile or a smirk, every time he blinked because of a nervous tick, or every time his hand accidentally, yet casually, brushed my hand as we lay down side by side – I captured all these little, irrelevant, details to make sure that I was going to remember how I was feeling in that moment. To make sure it wouldn't matter if we were two inches or 15195 kilometres apart, Matty existed in my world, and once he was close to me, in my bed, just like this.

At the end, exhausted, I crawled above him, holding him tight. His body was warm, but stiff as stone. I clung to him like he was my shelter from the storm. I traced my fingers along the long and winding road painted by his tattoos, back to his chest. I felt his heart beating. I knew he felt mine. And as I felt his skin against mine, and he glanced at me, I thought, for a moment, for just one moment, I might love him.

The light of the moon, filtered by the curtains, played with the shadows on his shoulder.

"Sometimes I feel like you never existed" he said thoughtful, "as if I was dreaming, cause when we say goodbye, you...", he closed his hand in a fist and then stretched his fingers, mimicking the sound of an explosion, "...disappear"

My fingertips ran through the features of his face. We were of course the only people in the apartment, but we kept our voices low, like two lovers who fear to get caught. "I am here" I whispered.

"Now" he rubbed my cheek. "In a month?"

I rested my head on his chest, without breaking his gaze. His heart skipped two beats. "What makes you think I'll tell you the truth, anyways? What makes you think I won't just tell you what you want to hear?"

His finger dragged lightly against my face. I barely felt it when he traced the line of my bottom lip, to run, then, slowly, through my cheekbones. He shrugged. "I know you're not a liar. If you don't say it, you don't mean it"

I nodded, closing my eyes. He touched my eyelids and reiterated, "in a month?"

I sighed, like I was in heavy waters, gasping for air. His hands flew to my hips, as if my naked body could fit even more perfectly to his. I leaned forward for a kiss, but he only let me brush his lips. He was teasing me, but I let him.

"Where will you be in a month, baby?" he murmured softy to my ear. "Am I the timeline you scroll when you're waiting for the bus?"

My eyes finally opened when his hands were on my cheeks again, brushing my hair from my face. I looked at him confused.

"Are we just killing some time?" he explained, his long lashes fluttered against my cheeks, sending goosebumps down my body.

"Matty" I breathed.

"Ari" he caressed my cheeks softly.

"In a month we'll be in two different continents" I whispered. "What difference does it make?"

He frowned, his fingers slid through my neck.

"We'll be far apart" I explained, "and this night will have the same exact meaning to me. I hear your heart beat, same rhythm as mine – can you hear it?"

We listened to the rumble of our hearts for a while, eye to eye. He hummed in agreement.

"Whatever happens in a month" I said, and I couldn't stop the coyness when it painted a little smile on my lips, "I'll remember we were so close I could hear the sound of your heart. I can't bother thinking about the future. This matters – your heart always, always skips two beats when you look at me. No matter what situation. And I don't think mine ever beated faster than when I'm with you"

His eyes were on my lips. I wanted him to kiss me, but he hesitated.

"Sweet words just to make me fall into your trap?" he leaned closer, lips touching mine for a moment. "Consider me snared"

I giggled. "I'm not a liar, right? If I say it, I mean it"

I pressed my lips to his again, kissing him properly this time. His hands ran through my back, until they went to my ass, pressing our bodies even closer. I pulled away a little, but when I spoke my lips brushed his at every movement.

“Will it be the same for you?” I asked quietly. “Whatever happens, will you keep me in mind? Will you remember my heartbeat and that we were close like this?”

He nodded. His eyes looked heavy, like that was not the first night he was missing sleep. “I hope that sound”, he said, “will haunt me when you’ll be gone”

Those were our last words. Until dawn, all I heard was the rumble of his heart. In the morning he was gone, but that sound kept ringing in my ears.