Heart of Ice

10. One Day, But Not Today

"It's really good." Dylan tells Hollie, having just listened to the song she wrote for her dad. "He'll love it."

"He's not going to hear it." Hollie tells him, putting her guitar back on it's stand so it doesn't get damaged. "I'm not putting it on my new album, it's too painful. I wrote it for me, not for the public."

"Hollie, are you sure?" He questions, not quite understanding what she's saying. "I get that you don't want people to hear it but surely your dad deserves to. It's for him, it's about him." He argues, and doesn't think about the next thing he says until the words are already exiting his mouth. "Everyone deserves to know that someone out there loves them, your dad is no different."

Words are very powerful you know, and this set of words that Dylan just uttered holds a lot of value for him but also for Hollie. He knew that he should tell Hollie how he truly feels, but that now wasn't the right time. She's going through a lot right now and the last thing she needs is thoughts about Dylan clouding her feelings for her dad. That's what he thought anyway. But the reason these words were so powerful for Hollie had nothing to do with Dylan, but at the same time, had everything to do with him. That's the problem when you've had your heart broken in the past; they say follow your heart, but when your heart is in a million pieces, which piece do you follow? "Why do you always think you can dictate my life?" She angrily yells at him. "You don't know me, Dylan, you don't know what's best for me."

"Actually, I think I know you a lot better than you know yourself." He replies calmly, as if she'd never shouted at him in the first place. "I know that you're just trying to protect your heart."

"You think you're so clever, don't you, Dylan?" She spits back bitterly, consumed in her frustration. "You try losing three parents, then you can tell me how I should or shouldn't feel."

He takes a step closer, wanting nothing more than to console her, to make her feel whole again. "I never said I knew how it felt, and I never would. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through and I'm so sorry if I upset you." He tells her compassionately, baring his soul to her. "I promise, that was never my intention."

"No." She replies, her tone calmer now, not even a trace of anger laced in her voice. "I'm sorry." She tells him, running her hands through her hair in frustration. "I didn't mean to lash out, especially not at you. I know I shouldn't be blaming it on anything apart from me, but I've been bottling it all up since we went to see him and it was bound to all come out eventually."

"Hey, hey." He interrupts, pulling her into a hug, and she instinctively wraps her arms around him in return, wanting to be consumed by his embrace. Like it could protect her from the bitter reality of the world somehow. "There's nothing you need to apologise for."

"I was so mean." She says numbly, holding Dylan tight. "But I've always been like that, I guess. Pushing people away to keep them out, so no one has the power to hurt me. It's silly, I know, and I'm trying my best to change, I promise."

"Don't worry, Hollie." He interrupts yet again, smelling the sweet scent of mangoes radiating off of her freshly washed hair as he hugs her. "You don't have to become someone you're not." And he may not have realised it, but these words made Hollie look at Dylan in a completely new light. She hadn't fallen madly in love with him or anything, she had a long way to go yet to be able to love anybody, she merely noticed that he's accepted her for who she is. Which is something no one's ever done before. And that's all she needed to take the first few steps towards finding happiness, because in that moment, she opened herself up to the smallest possibility of finding someone who could be the one to feel whole again. And that hole in her heart is slowly starting to heal, even she could see that, no matter how much it scared her. After all, if you love someone, they have the power to hurt you, and that scares Hollie more than anything. 

So it's no surprise that she instantly wanted to change the subject before she did or said something that she could never take back. "Anyway, that's enough drama for one day." She tells her best friend, pulling away from his hug and taking a few steps back. "Let's go be with the others, maybe we could all do something together, to take my mind off of everything."

"Okay." Dylan says, slowly nodding his head. "Whatever you want." 

But there it was again. Hollie couldn't ignore that everything he does, he does for her. Since she met him he's always put her first, not caring about himself for even a second. And that's when a thought crossed her mind that had never even occurred to her before. She always pushes people away because she doesn't want to fall in love, she doesn't want to be in the position to get hurt again. She knew that. And by pushing people away, by being cold towards them, they could never fall in love with her. But for the first time since she was sixteen years old, she's in the position where someone might actually be in love with her. Does Dylan love me? The thought ran through her head a million times a minute. 

She desperately wanted it not to be true, because she's not ready. And that means that if he somehow does love her, which you and I know is very much the case here, she would end up hurting him. And the thing about Hollie is that she's experienced so much pain in her life that she wouldn't dream of being the source of such pain for anyone else, especially someone she cares so much about. So deep down she knew, she was going to end up hurting that boy, because she doesn't love him. Not yet, anyway.