GONE DAYS | B.C + L.F ✓

final.

chan walked quickly in the direction of the han river. it was only ten forty-five pm, but he wanted to get there on time. while walking, he couldn't stop his mind from wandering. he couldn't stop beating himself up. reading those letters, reading the letters had sparked something in him. he couldn't stop thinking and warping his mind around it.

the first few letters seemed like a devoted, kind fan. he loved letters from his stay and liked that they loved him too. but after he started getting more, they had become different.

they started to relight old memories that he had tried to get rid of. he was scared at first. he didn't know how a fan knew so much about his random actions. his calendar marking, his studio habits, his small small details.

but then, he realized how the fan knew.

because the fan was felix. he knew before felix had confirmed it, he knew because of the memories that he pointed out in the letters.

felix. felix left from the group a few months ago. no one knew why, not even the members. only jyp did. he had left by his own will. the amount the members cried, the amount that chan cried. they didn't know why their friend was being taken away from them. chan didn't know why a piece of him was leaving. the boys cried so much, but felix, felix was the one smiling.

he was the one telling them that it was ok. he was the one hugging them and telling them not to cry, that they would all be together again one day. he was the one wiping away their tears and smiling at them, never once shedding a tear.

never once did he shed a tear or frown in the time he spent with his group. chan had thought it was because the younger was so happy and bright all the time. he didn't see anything wrong. that's why he always went to the younger when he needed to cry or when he needed to be held. he needed to be strong for the other boys, but felix was already so strong.

after felix left, chan was a mess. he cried every single day for two weeks. after that, it seemed that the flame that once lit him was diminished. he still cared and loved all his members, but he had loved felix. he loved felix like a wife loves her husband. he put on a show smile for the crowd, but inside, he was broken. the crack in his heart was forgotten day after day, but it was brought right back when the letters came.

reading the letters, chan cried his eyes out. he didn't realize, he didn't realize that the reason felix was smiling and laughing all the time was to fill in his emptiness. his happiness was a shell. his strength was forced, he was ruining himself.

every day when he got a new letter, he would go crazy. because each letter just got darker and darker, because with each letter felix let go of his shell and showed how broken he was.

he didn't see how broken felix was. felix, felix was ripped to shreds.

he regretted everything. he regretted letting felix just leave. he regretted not seeing how felix was suffering. he regretted not telling felix how he felt. he was wallowed in a pool of dark regret.

walking now, in the dark night, nothing seemed right. not even the stars seemed to be present, the moon was an empty black. the road was muscle memory for chan, he didn't need light to see where he was going. he had the route memorized by heart.

he walked, one shaking foot before the other. one quivering step at a time, keeping a straight shaky pace. his head was full of the letters and felix's words, and his mind was filled with all the things he didn't do. his head was engulfed in the regret, the shaky regret of not realizing the pain felix was in.

as he approached the river side, he looked at his watch. eleven oh three pm. he was three minutes late, but he was approaching the riverside quickly. as the dim lanterns near the river started to enter his view, he made out the silhouette of a small person.