GONE DAYS | B.C + L.F ✓

letter ten.

dear chan,

❝ that's it, i'm going to come clean. i'm going to stop all the hiding, i'm going to cut my very self open and tell you everything i've ever felt. you know chan, it takes strength to act like you're happy with you're not. so i guess you were right when you always told me i was so strong. because i was strong, i smiled and laughed every single day when on the inside i was dying.

i smiled every single day. i woke up with a smile, i ate with a smile, I talked to our fans with a smile. i talked to our members with a smile. i made sure to laugh, i made sure to comfort. i smiled, i laughed, i hugged.

but when i went to sleep? i cried. i cried my self to sleep every single night.

the reason, the reason i left the group? well the answer is simple. i left because i couldn't be strong anymore. that's all there is, i just couldn't continue the fake laughs and smiles.

i just couldn't to pretend to be ok when i obviously wasn't. it's like pretending to be an art major when you were a science major. you can fake it for a while, but it'll catch up to you and go over you like a bus.

want to know something chan? all the smiles i gave you were real smiles. you were the only reason i smiled at all. and you. and you still are.

how does it feel chan? how does it feel to be the reason someone is alive? ❞

- someone who gave up on fake smiles and fleeting happiness.