moon ~ r.v.d

dreams

I was in a field.

A field of sunflowers.

I was 10 years old.

I was wearing a white dress with no shoes.

It was sunny and warm as the breezed flowed through my hair and sent my dress rippling around me.

I was free. I was happy.

I turned to face the gold framed mirror planted in the field.

I was now 15. It was stormy. The sunflowers were dying. I walked around to look for someone. Anyone.

I felt panicked and scared. Where was I?

I looked at the puddle on the ground and saw my reflection. I was now 17.

It was raining hard and my bones were aching. My dress was ruined. My feet were sore.

The sunflowers were dead.

I was sad. I fell to the ground and suddenly the ground gave in, sinking me below. I couldn't breathe. It was pitch black. I was stuck. I was helpless.

I opened my eyes as I sat up in my bed, gasping for air. I looked around and noticed I was in my room. It was dark but I knew it was my room. I looked at the clock beside my bed and say it was 5 am. I had fallen asleep two hours ago. It had been getting harder to sleep every night. I don't know what kept me up but I couldn't seem to sleep. I sighed and rolled over, I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep but I didn't want to get out of bed yet.

I laid there and stared at the wall. What was wrong with me? The past month I had been having nightmares and dreams about the strangest things. I had been getting less sleep and I felt so exhausted all the time. No one seemed to notice because I put on a face but I didn't know what was going on. I couldn't understand why I had been acting like this.

My life was fairly okay now. I had great friends and an amazing boyfriend. My mum and I hadn't fought as much but that's because she spent her time at work. School wasn't too stressful and I felt fairly happy. Well most days.

When I was with other people I felt good. I felt happy. When I was by myself, all of that seemed to vanish into thin air. It was like everyone sucked the happiness and joy out of me and then when I was by myself I had none left to make myself happy.

This had been a nightly occurrence for about the past week or so. I would wake up from a dream and stare at the wall until it was time to get up. I would overthink everything in my life. From the reason my dad left to what homework I had due the next day. It never ended. My thought would consume me until I was snapped out of it by my alarm at 7 o'clock. That's what I did this morning.

Suddenly my alarm went off and I jolted. It had been two hours already? I sighed before rolling off my bed and pulling the blinds open slightly to let the light in. I wondered over to my bag and placed my things that I needed to take with me before I exited the room and went to the bathroom.

I had a 15-minute shower before hopping out. I never washed my hair in the morning because if I let it air dry it would be a tangled curly mess. Instead, I just threw my hair up in a bun whilst I showered and took it out when I was finished. I slowly wandered back to my room in just a towel since my mother would've left by now. She worked from very early to very late and I wished sometimes she would stay home for once.

I knew she paid the bills and she had to work to keep a roof over our head and food in our stomachs but if I got a job I'm sure I could help and she could spend more time at home. That's when I realized I had my job interview after school today at 4 o'clock. Shit.